Rebel without a Cause....

a rebel without a cause

phrase of cause

noun: rebel without a cause

1. 1.

   a person who is dissatisfied with society but does not have a specific aim to fight for.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

I have this shirt that, upon purchase, was enticing more for the design than the word. It was loose, hung off my shoulder and was open in the back. Very different and fitting both for my personality, and the front of the shirt. REBEL.  'Someone who resists or defies authority, or the status quo. '

I recently took some much needed downtime and travelled to California. Not my first trip to the state, but my first time in the LA area.  I needed a break, so this trip was scheduled immediately following a big fitness show we participated in in NYC.  During this trip, I really wanted to reflect on myself and obtain some 'answers'...LIFE answers. Usually people have a specific question they need answered. Although, I thought to myself I needed to sort things out, I am not really certain I could lay out the 'things' I needed sorted for someone to help me.  What I did know was I felt uneasy, restless, and lacking. Lacking purpose,...lacking direction....lacking peace  I didn't feel calm. Like I was trying to be still in a bottle someone would continually shake up,..and loudly. It was noisy. In my head...my surroundings,....I couldn't get away from the constant buzz. 

I ran everyday. These were the quietest moments on my trip and the only time I could really shut everything out and think on nothing, and everything. Every morning, I took a run to the water and would just run. Run until it entered my head that I was tired, or I would recognize that the sun was peeping out and people were beginning their day. In that silence, I would listen intently, for a sign...a word. Nothing. 

One day, I had stopped at a Starbucks for coffee and decided to sit there to finish my beverage before heading to the hotel. An older gentleman had taken a seat at one of the 'community' type tables next to mine. I had gotten up to grab something at the counter and when I returned he asked me what my shirt meant. 

'What do you mean?' I asked. 'Why are you wearing that shirt?' He asked. 'Surely, you purchased that shirt to make some sort of statement. What does it mean?'  

I laughed. 'I don't do things the normal way'.  Now HE laughed. ' I like that', he replies. And so my conversation with Luigi began. Luigi, an Italian immigrant who moved to the now Rodondo Beach area as a young man in 1972 and made what he could work for work, work, until he happened upon the trade of carpentry and construction. I sat and spoke with this man for an hour as he continued to lay nugget upon nugget on the table about his life experiences and what's REALLY important in life. He said so much, I told him he should blog little quotes and thoughts each day. I should have recorded him and done it for him. This man still owned a flip phone. lol.  

During our conversation, he would continually ask me why and what do YOU think. Why, why why. What I realized in our discussion was I was the noise. I am the noise, I am the distraction, I am the person shaking up my bottle. The buzz is mine and the voices are me. I move. I am active. I don't sit still, but I'm looking for peace? And when I have silence,...I run. When I had time every morning to listen, I plugged in headphones, and ran, waiting for THE VOICE to drown out the tunes flowing into my ears, and disappointed when I went back to my room without THE ANSWER. What I asked for was a truth that required me to stop and look at myself and deep down, I don't have a complete happiness with the image.

I celebrated a birthday recently. With that came my subconscious mind reflecting on where I've been, what I've done, what I lack, and where I should be. This year, it required a lot more embracing. Who I am,  AND who IS that? What I want, and how that's changed. Where I want to be, live and even who I want to be with and keep in my circle. 

When I started writing, I wrote with the intention of emptying my brain. I wanted the remaining contents to come together and formulate a complete picture that made sense. It rarely happens the way you want right? Although my step by step guide didn't fall from the sky and bounce off my desk, a determination to make things DIFFERENT did.  Making steps towards my whats and eliminating the who's and whats that are not a part of that process. 

A few months ago, I blogged from my last trip in Florida and I mentioned that sometimes you have to leave things behind. Don't be afraid to let things go. I took a picture of an old and very beat up pair of sneakers that I LEFT in Florida. Since then, I had a new pair of sneakers, and although I only had them 3 months, they too are ragged, torn, and ready to be replaced. I took another picture, and left these sneakers in California, but not for the same underlying thought. When I purchased this pair, I got them to get me by, and not because they were the best pair for me. I had my old pair for almost 6 months, and although that is too long to keep a pair of sneakers that you utilize regularly, they maintained for most of that time, because they were a good pair. 

The sneakers I left in Cali

So I left yet another pair, not only to let go, but to find something better, something that will last, and take care of me. I will take the time to find a pair that nurtures that, and not settle on something to 'get me by'.  

Here's to not just getting by. 

Here's to not running. 

Here's to standing still, looking forward with my eyes open, and still being able to embrace the image before me. 

“It is not enough to be industrious; so are the ants. What are you industrious about?"

[Letter to Harrison Blake; November 16, 1857]” 
― Henry David Thoreau, Letters to Various Persons