Be good to yourself...Nobody else will....Step 3

We are on day 3 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

3. Negative Body Image

There is only one person’s opinion you should be concerned with when it comes to your body and that is you. No one person determines what the “correct” body type is. If you are comfortable in your own skin, and you are healthy, then that should be the only thing that matters. Do not let others tell you that you’re not beautiful because if you believe you are, then you are.

This one hits close to home, on many levels. First off, it's what I do. Yeah, sure, I train people to be healthier and live longer, but my fitness competitors don't walk in 6 inch heels to add years to their lives.  I am in the business of carving out your body to look a certain way. For what? and for whom? In this case, for a panel of judges that aren't concerned with how you feel about yourself . Only how you look and who looks the best. 

These are questions I ask my clients prior to training. What is your motivation? You want to look like whom and why? We do this daily. Judge ourselves and against who's standard? Not usually our own. The magazines, the commercials, the movies, the videos, the professionals, the media...They all say we are supposed to look a certain way and we are striving to look a way that may not even be realistic for us to look like. Hell, for all intensive purposes, the image we see isn't even a real image! Try that one on..

The crazy thing about body image is it's not physical at all. We aren't talking about how you look. We are talking about how you FEEL you look. You can look amazing, and still FEEL ugly which translates into how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself and how you present yourself to others. We are coming back to how POWERFUL your mind is. How many really pretty people do you know that think they are ugly? How many skinny people do you know that think they are fat? ON the FLIP side of that, how many people whom you may think are unattractive, you can't TELL them they aren't something to look at. lol. Your perception is TRULY your reality.

There is this old SNL skit with a character named Stuart Smalley. It was a self help talk show where the host, who had self esteem issues, would reach out to others in an effort to help them feel better about themselves.  He would always end the show by saying, 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darnit, people like me". lol
Now whether this was true or not wasn't the point, because Stuart believed it was true, and at the end of the day, that's all that mattered.

That's what we need to understand. It's kind of like that saying, whatever you think you are, you will be. If you think you are, you will be. Most of the time, we are trying to convince ourselves, and other people see that. And when they do, they treat you accordingly.

I found this list I really like that has some great pointers by Linda DiBella

http://www.yourtango.com/2012151563/bad-body-image-15-ways-improve-your-self-esteem-expert

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.Everyone has something they wish they could change about their body. Wishing you had someone else's thighs or curly hair or smile takes away from what is uniquely you. Accentuating the qualities you like will boost your spirits and minimize the things you don't like. 

2. Focus on what you have the power to change. Rather than spending your energy on wishing you were taller, redirect your focus on something you can change, like toning up with a yoga or pilates class, or honing one of your talents. Then celebrate with a nice pair of heels! 

3. Dress as if you're where you want to be. Are you waiting to lose weight before you buy that new wardrobe? If you're wearing the same uninspiring clothes that make you feel drab, pick up a few smart wardrobe pieces, like a chic blazer, fashionable footwear, or some nice scarves or jewelry that will brighten your image and make you feel better about you now. The better you feel, the more likely you'll be motivated to keep making positive changes.

4. Surround yourself with beauty. Creating a beautiful environment at home or in your workspace will provide a greater sensual experience, which is what we all crave. Keep fresh flowers on your desk or table, add some silk pillows to your sofa, play your favorite music while cooking dinner, and drink mineral water out of a nice wine glass! 

5. Practice self-care. The more you love and take care of what you have now, the more likely you'll move in the direction of self-improvement. Schedule you-time to take a warm, soothing bath, massage your skin with olive oil, read an inspiring book, or write in your journal. 

6. Build a support system. Spend time with people who have a positive influence on you and that energize you rather than reinforce bad habits. Exercise together, swap healthy recipes, and champion one another when you're making progress. 

7. Lose yourself in a cause. Have you heard the saying, "what you focus on grows?" Apply this to agonizing over how you feel about your body. Instead, replace those thoughts by spending some time and energy on a cause you're passionate about. The rewards will put things into perspective, raise your spirits, and make you feel better about yourself.

8. Treat yourself as you do others. Would you ever dream of talking to someone that way you talk to yourself? If you're in the habit of bashing yourself for the way you look or how you take care of yourself, switch to being gentle and patient. Change takes time and the more compassion and self-acceptance you practice, the better you'll take care of yourself. 

9. Treat eating as something special. How we do anything is how we do everything. Practice mindful eating by having your meals in a quiet, non-stressful environment. Eat slowly and savor what you’re eating, and eat only until you're satisfied. When you listen carefully to your body's cues, you will help you develop respect for yourself and naturally reach your ideal body weight. 

10. Practice gratitude. The more you appreciate what you have, the more you will have to be thankful for and this includes good health. Keep a gratitude list and add to it when you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed at night. Acknowledge how grateful you are for another day and for all the positive things that happen, like the workout you fit in or the healthy food choices you made. This simple practice will allow you to start your day on a positive note, progress through it with a better mindset, and end it peacefully.

11. Work on your inner-self. We are spiritual beings living a human experience and we are here to learn and grow. When you listen to your inner guidance and live your life based on its wisdom, people will see the beauty and creativity of the real you that's inside the flesh and bones. Tap into yourself and learn to love who you truly are by practicing meditation daily. 

12. Read up. Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton and Molecules of Emotion by Candice Pert are two excellent books that can also help us understand the science underlying how we create our own realities. Our beliefs, attitudes and expectations — including our emotions, and judgments — continually shape who we are, including our bodies. 

13. Take charge. When you're glaring at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself "who's doing the talking here?" Is it your mind or your heart? Don't like what you see? Instead of beating it up, try listening to your body.

14. Get real. Be honest with yourself. Look at a picture of yourself from when you were a small child. You were and still are a precious, darling of the universe. You are a unique gem with immense value and worth. Start digging for it! 

15. Remember: what you resist persists. What you resist, you become. Fighting against yourself, loathing your body only stimulates more neuro-chemicals that keep you spinning your wheels. The exciting thing is: you can change. Change your mind, change your life. How? Make the decision to shift your thinking and your emotions will follow. 

Anything but a carry on will have a fee...Step 12

We are on day 12 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

12. Your Baggage

We have all been hurt one time or another by someone we loved, or we thought we loved. Carrying negative feelings into future relationships will only prove to be disastrous. No two people are the same, so it’s unfair to hold a future partner to a standard set by an ex. Try to begin each new relationship with a clean slate.

Definitions  

noun

1. (pejorative) the feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes

The important part of this definition is the last part...'often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes'

We all have baggage. We cannot help that. We all have a past. It is how this baggage affects us that makes it a good or bad thing. We have this exercise in kettlebell that we do call a suitcase squat. The foundation of the move is a squat of course and you have two kettelebells, one in each hand.  You squat down until the kettlebells touch the floor and then you stand back up, but you keep the kettelebells in your hands. The move simulates picking up a suitcase, except in this case, you never put it down.  This is your baggage. We walk around carrying all the burdens from our past, and instead of squatting and putting them down, we carry them around with us. It starts to get heavy, and we start to take it out on people around us, making them uncomfortable, judging them and making them 'pay' for something that had nothing to do with them to begin with. 

The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. What is grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion. - Lao Tzu

How many times have we sat and acted a certain way toward someone not because that person did anything to warrant the behavior but because we were hurt previously and are wanting to prevent it from happening again.  #guilty

Emotional baggage is all about fear – Fear of repeating mistakes; fear of hurt being inflicted upon you and fear of being blindsided again by whatever travesty you lived through previously. While fear is a very real and very human emotion, it can be totally debilitating, taking a healthy relationship full of possibilities and halting it under the weight of your memories.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

This exercise is borrowed from Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT , (www.lifeissuespschotherapy.com). I thought this would be a beneficial exercise in working out the demons of our past. 

Start writing and leave that baggage on the carousel

Not only do you deserve to live “ghost” free, your partner deserves a clean slate and the opportunity to show you who they really are, away from the negative comparisons of relationships past. But how to do just that?

Take out a piece of paper and write down all of the fact-based evidence that proves that this relationship and this partner are different from other dynamics and situations you have experienced. Write down every detail as to how this person and partnership differ (and I mean every detail). When you feel anxious, review this list, take a deep breath and choose to believe in these facts and this logic. Through this process, you essentially re-write the negative code in your head and begin a healthier, more realistic internal dialogue that will keep that “baggage” on the carousel and away from your relationship.

Bare in mind, if you don’t actively (and frequently) work this routine, you will be trapped by the emotion (perpetuated by the fear) and spiral into irrational and damaging protective mechanisms that will quash any future you have with your current love.

“What we think, we become,” - Buddha