Giving a future, your present...Step 7

We are on day 7 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

7. Thoughts Of Your Ex

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

We have all been here. We either have an ex that we cannot stop thinking about or keeping away from, or we have a current relationship, and the 'ex' is still around in some shape, form or fashion causing doubt or confusion. Directly or indirectly is irrelevant.  You have the choice to keep the person around and choosing to do so sends a message to all parties involved. The ex is given power. The current person loses power, and 9 times out of 10 you are unsure.

THE EX - We have been the ex. The person that doesn't want to be with someone, but maybe doesn't want anyone to be with their 'ex someone' either. We are funny like that. Maybe we just don't want our ex to find someone first so we keep them around like it's a race. Or we haven't found someone yet, so they are good company until we do.  Some people say, "well we are really just friends."  Maybe. But you know what the ex inevitably does?  They remind you of things that you used to do. Places you used to go. Especially if you start to see someone else. When there is static between you and that person, they always want to offer up their advise. Or the infamous, " Oh I would never do that." Or ,"  Really ? Do you remember.....?"  You may as well keep out a picture for good measure.

                                            

THE CURRENT SOMEONE - This person is the unknowing newcomer, and when there is an ex involved this places that person in a tough spot.  Are you the understanding , no low self esteem new significant other that can handle the ex being around as a friend? Or do you show 'crazy' right away and tell the new partner to ex the ex?  I have only come directly out of a relationship once where I was still friends with an ex and they started dating someone else. My ex at that time,and I had been together for 2 years, married for over 4 and then friends after we divorced another probably 2 years.   When he began seeing someone else, we were still communicating as friends. When they became a little more involved, she told him point blank she didn't want me around. Now, initially I was like, " What is this chick's hangup? We are just friends. " It took a conversation with my mother to get my head straight. She's like, really? If this were you, and your new boyfriend communicated with his ex, how would that make you feel? I still remember not being really cool with it even after speaking to my mother but out of respect for him and his relationship, we stopped communicating completely. COMPLETELY. No cards on holidays. No occasional hey how are you doing phone calls. We cut it cold turkey. Now, many years later, they are married with 2 sons. I'm not saying I could have prevented that from happening if I were around, but I am glad they were able to give it a chance because I wasn't.  I appreciate it now. I respected him for doing that for her, and I respected her for taking the stand to voice her insecurity as a real issue.

YOU - The final piece. You are the person that has found someone else, but still has your ex around. And around can be physically or someone you still think about. This can cause so many problems subconsciously and otherwise for you. You automatically compare any actions this person does to your ex and what they did. I have a friend who reintroduces herself when I compare her to others. It's funny, and valid. She is a different person from anyone I've known. If I keep comparing her to someone from my past, I am automatically categorizing her before giving her the opportunity to be herself and really getting to know her and appreciate who she is. If you haven't let your ex go, you may not ever give others the opportunity to be something more for you. They will continually have to prove themselves to be different than your past, and that is self destructive, for both you and the new person. This can also make them uncomfortable just being themselves.  And ex's who are waiting in the wings have the best seat in the house. It's like the younger sibling that watches all the older siblings mistakes. They just take notes, and get in when it's safe. And they would know when they opportunity arises. They aren't in the hot seat as they were when they were in the relationship. No expectations. And don't forget they can be that shoulder to cry on when things finally go awry. What a great friend!

When you hang on to things, emotions, people, situations, circumstances, how things used to be, etc, you don't allow new people in your circle. They are fighting your past and not even realizing it. 

Anything but a carry on will have a fee...Step 12

We are on day 12 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

12. Your Baggage

We have all been hurt one time or another by someone we loved, or we thought we loved. Carrying negative feelings into future relationships will only prove to be disastrous. No two people are the same, so it’s unfair to hold a future partner to a standard set by an ex. Try to begin each new relationship with a clean slate.

Definitions  

noun

1. (pejorative) the feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes

The important part of this definition is the last part...'often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes'

We all have baggage. We cannot help that. We all have a past. It is how this baggage affects us that makes it a good or bad thing. We have this exercise in kettlebell that we do call a suitcase squat. The foundation of the move is a squat of course and you have two kettelebells, one in each hand.  You squat down until the kettlebells touch the floor and then you stand back up, but you keep the kettelebells in your hands. The move simulates picking up a suitcase, except in this case, you never put it down.  This is your baggage. We walk around carrying all the burdens from our past, and instead of squatting and putting them down, we carry them around with us. It starts to get heavy, and we start to take it out on people around us, making them uncomfortable, judging them and making them 'pay' for something that had nothing to do with them to begin with. 

The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. What is grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion. - Lao Tzu

How many times have we sat and acted a certain way toward someone not because that person did anything to warrant the behavior but because we were hurt previously and are wanting to prevent it from happening again.  #guilty

Emotional baggage is all about fear – Fear of repeating mistakes; fear of hurt being inflicted upon you and fear of being blindsided again by whatever travesty you lived through previously. While fear is a very real and very human emotion, it can be totally debilitating, taking a healthy relationship full of possibilities and halting it under the weight of your memories.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE

This exercise is borrowed from Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT , (www.lifeissuespschotherapy.com). I thought this would be a beneficial exercise in working out the demons of our past. 

Start writing and leave that baggage on the carousel

Not only do you deserve to live “ghost” free, your partner deserves a clean slate and the opportunity to show you who they really are, away from the negative comparisons of relationships past. But how to do just that?

Take out a piece of paper and write down all of the fact-based evidence that proves that this relationship and this partner are different from other dynamics and situations you have experienced. Write down every detail as to how this person and partnership differ (and I mean every detail). When you feel anxious, review this list, take a deep breath and choose to believe in these facts and this logic. Through this process, you essentially re-write the negative code in your head and begin a healthier, more realistic internal dialogue that will keep that “baggage” on the carousel and away from your relationship.

Bare in mind, if you don’t actively (and frequently) work this routine, you will be trapped by the emotion (perpetuated by the fear) and spiral into irrational and damaging protective mechanisms that will quash any future you have with your current love.

“What we think, we become,” - Buddha

Step 18 ....Your past is not your Future

Happiness....the 20 Step Series....

Let go of...

18. The Past

Stop living in the past! There is virtually nothing you can gain if you wallow in mistakes you have previously made. Take past mistakes as lessons learned, and move forward. You cannot wholeheartedly move on to a better future if you are constantly looking behind you. Things happened, and that’s that. Take them with a grain of salt and move on.

This story starts with a lady who, by outside appearances comes from a great family, loving siblings and parents.  A typical traditional mom, pop, white picket fence and two car garage household. Her father however, was abusive both physically and mentally and as an adult she told this story often, to people she met. She was rehashing this story with a long time friend of hers who responded by asking 'How long are you going to tell that story and be a victim of that story."  It set her aback and she explained how he ' didn't understand' and how this was a devastating time in her life. He nodded and said, ' I know, but how long are you going to tell that story'.  Sometimes, it's easier to hold on to things that hurt, and hold on to the anger you have for people in your life that are associated with that hurt, instead of forgiving and letting it go.  It's easier and more comfortable to be a victim and blame certain circumstances and reasons for why you cannot move on on other people because we're afraid that we will really fail at it on our own.  It provides us with an excuse because the person in the mirror couldn't possibly have an issue. And if they do, well that's someone else's fault, right?

When you hold on to these feelings and emotions, you also don't allow yourself to be fully expressive with new people and circumstances. Whether you really think it's happening or not, subconsciously you are holding back because this past experience has 'taught' you to be cautious. Learning from an experience is fine, but also remember that this is a different person, who deserves a fresh chance. 

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” 

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

We are all guilty of this either with ourselves or with our friends and in so many ways. How many times have we reminisced on the 'good ol days'. A friend tells us they have changed their ways or are a different person and we are quick to recount all the things they 'used to do' and how that couldn't be true. We keep that ex's number in our phone 'just in case' , and how many times does that usually end up being a drunk dial. : /  We cannot do this or that because it didn't work before. There are not mistakes in life. Everything is intentional. You meet people for a reason. You are thrust into circumstances for a reason. People enter, and yes exit your life for a reason. We make the mistake of thinking that reason is always related to just us. We are a microscopic piece of a huge puzzle that has to fit together just right. It didn't rain just to piss you off. Maybe some crop somewhere needed it. You just happened to be in the area. :)

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Things happen, circumstances happen and people happen. When you get caught up in the why, the who and the how, you stand still. Honestly though, the world keeps moving...as the song goes...With or without you....

Your challenge today....What or who are you holding on to? Sometimes it's good to take an inventory of the people or situations that take up space in your life. Do they contribute to your well being, where you are or where you want to be? Do they WANT to be in your space? Sometimes we hold on to people that have said they don't want to be around. I know it's November...but do some 'spring cleaning'...