Are your friends bringing down your value?

Let's think about this for a minute. This doesn't say you are the equivalent of the 5 people you spend the most time with, or that you are as successful as your 5 most successful friends. The AVERAGE of the people you spend the most time with. That means you take that five, and take the MEAN of those 5. If you were to take the average of a set of numbers, and you have 4 low numbers, that 4 brings your total down.

There is a similar and  popular quote in spanish speaking countries... 

“Dime con quién andas y te diré quién eres.” Roughly translated, it means, “Tell me who you associate with, and I’ll tell you who you are.” 

We are what we continually do. We also act in an environment in which we are comfortable. If your friends sit around, drink,  and play video games, why would you do any differently? (Hopefully, that doesn't describe too many of you. lol)  Your friends, family, circle, workplace, network, IMMEDIATE access should continually encourage you to take it to that NEXT level. And there's ALWAYS a next level. We thrive on progression. This can be as little or as big as needed for you as long as you are MOVING. People have this general idea for what it means to be better or successful. Your success is just that. YOURS. You don't have to have what your neighbor has or do what your neighbor does, as long as what you are doing and where you are going is better than where you were.  

You cannot LIVE that with people surrounding you that don't believe in the same things. People are generally fearful and selfish. We don't want to be reminded of what we SHOULD be doing. Some people would prefer to be around people worse off than they are, so they don't look bad. And people who aren't on the same page as you may not be willing to encourage your success. 

“It’s better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you’ll drift in that direction.”

― Warren Buffett

Who better to quote than Warren Buffett. We fear the challenge of living up to ...Fill in the blank. I want people around me who want it all. I don't want people around me to tell me what I cannot do. My insecure subconscious can do that on its' own.  You can make up an excuse for anything, and it's so much easier to do that than to do and feel 'failure'. The failure is not in doing. It's in NOT trying. 

Who do you have surrounding you today representing your destiny?

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

—Proverbs 27:17

Do you like me?...yes, no, maybe, who cares...BE happy STEP 1

The number 1 offender of happiness....You must let go of trying to get....

“If you just set out to be liked, you will be prepared to compromise on anything at anytime, and would achieve nothing. ” 
― Margaret Thatcher

1. The Approval Of Others

Who gives a sh*t what other people think? If you are happy with the decisions you have made, then whose business is that but your own? Think of how much you could achieve if you stopped letting other people’s opinions dictate the way you live your life. Do you, and engage in whatever actions you think might better your life.

I posted an article about Mary Mary's Erica Campbell and a dress she was wearing for her album cover. It was a huge ordeal as to whether or not this dress was appropriate for her to wear as a christian artist. Although this in particular has many other moving parts, the foundation of the disgruntlement is the same. The public didn't approve.

Sometimes we focus too much on whether or not we are pleasing others and not on whether or not what we are doing is good for us. There is a time, I feel , that it is appropriate compromise, but at the end of it all, you should do what is best for your. In the end, most people are doing what is best for themselves. If you walk around doing what is best for others all the time, you will miss out on your own happiness.

When you are constantly doing things for others, none of your accomplishments will seem worthy. It will be similar to a hamster in a wheel running and never getting anywhere. People you are trying to please, are not usually satisfied. You will continue to work to satisfy someone that will continue to want more and more from you. You will continue to try to go above and beyond a bar that is consistently raised as you meet it. This is dangerous, especially if you are already someone that is somewhat of an over achiever and hard on yourself as an individual anyways.

I've never been a 'yes' man, per se, but I have always been someone that felt really badly if someone didn't like me. I especially hate it when people around me aren't happy. Now, I do personal training , and lifestyle coaching, for almost 100 people one on one. You see how this can be a problem? When I was in school, I wanted to get in psychology but decided against it while taking courses because I didn't think I would be able to take on the work without taking on their pain. Things come full circle. You always end up in the things you were meant to end up in whether you 'choose' it or not. I am still in a position of taking care of people's problems. Their
'sofa' is just my gym

This is a great quote. It feels good, until it becomes 'desperate'  PLEASE like me. PLEASE be happy. PLEASE accept me.....I have said just recently that I feel happiest when people around me are happy. Even then, I made the statement not really thinking that there was anything wrong with what I said. There shouldn't be a time where we base our own happiness on others. People are flakey, emotional, some timey, and inconsistent. It's like Forest Gump said, you never know what you're gonna get.  :)  You can't live like that. When you are focusing on beinga better person, you are better for those around you and then EVERYONE SHOULD be happy. And when they aren't, maybe you aren't the one that needs to fix something.

How do we let go of this mentality?

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-need-for-approval-to-start-thriving/

How to Let Go of the Need for Approval

1. Build a sound sense of self-acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.

Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you’re most proud of about yourself: choices you’ve made, insights you’ve learned, things you like about yourself, times you’ve stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

2. Let go of seeking validation from others.

Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be.

This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you’re ok, that you made the right choice, or that you did the right thing.

Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.

3. Evaluate tasks based on approval-seeking efforts.

Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Then slowly work through the “people pleasing” list and eliminate them.

How has the need for approval impacted your life?

TODAY's CHALLENGE - Most of the time, it's about loving yourself, which so many of us have such a hard time doing. Accepting who you are and truly being unapologetic for just being you. We try so hard to fit a 'mold' that someone else made up. Love yourself. Be yourself. Be happy...Be.

People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most.
Wayne Dyer 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/approval.html#oQcdAqeziO7z1y0V.99

Do you even know you hurt me?....Step 2

We are on day 2 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

2. Anger/Resentment

Anger will eat at you from the inside. Learn how to make peace with those who have wronged you. This isn’t about letting the other person off the hook; it’s about alleviating the pain that resonates within you. Keep in mind that he who angers you, controls you.

I have a secret....When I was very young, at the tender age of 5, I had a life changing event.  We all have had these moments , events, circumstances, whether beyond our control or self inflicted, that then makes your life different...It's the point in the movie where the narrator states, 'and their lives were forever changed' ..I was forever changed beyond my control and still dealing with the residue from that event. It's one of those emotional situations that hides , not well, but enough to where you are functional, and then rears its' head when you are in some vulnerable space. This event resurfaced for me mentally when I was in my early 20's and triggered  yet another life changing event. This one self inflicted and to this day, a painful memory. You see, the first event produced anger. Anger towards someone else for something I had no control  over and anger I was unaware I harbored until, oddly enough, I noticed this person was on facebook and was living a normal life. The NERVE!  Wasn't this person sad about what happened?   Why are they even allowed to live a normal life? Ah, I guess life goes on ..wow.

My second event developed resentment and anger towards myself. This time the punishment has been placed on me and MY rights to happiness. This time, I don't deserve it, because I didn't make the 'right' decision. You see, I say ;'don't' because it's present tense. Because I still deal with the anxiety of denying myself a life because I ' don't'  deserve it. The good things I do are not enough and when something good happens I have to wake up and make something else good and even better happen. 

These events within my life were different but produced the same byproduct.  The funny thing is, I made myself miserable in both instances, with no pain transfer to the person I felt deserved to be miserable. It's funny how that works. We have these people that affect our lives in such a way, we expect some sort of vindication for our suffering, when most of the time, they don't know they did something wrong, they don't remember it happened. or worse yet, they DID know it was wrong, but you know what...Life goes on. Or maybe this person is still around or in your life. You are harboring emotions or ill will that will continue to be reflected in how you treat this person. Consciously or sub consciously, this person will not receive a true version of you until you let that animosity go.  And in that same regard, others may suffer the consequences or their wrong doing.

I found a really great analogy about holding on to anger.

"Holding onto anger toward another person is like holding a sharp object in the palm of your hand. The harder you squeeze, the more you suffer. If we cast blame, saying, "He makes me so angry" or "She is ruining my life," it's like blaming the sharp object for our pain – when we're the one doing the squeezing! When we let go of anger and resentment, it's like releasing our grip of the sharp object."

This is deep, but real. You are holding the hurt, when all you have to do is let it go. Sometimes, we get used to the pain. We sit in it enough to where it becomes more comfortable than the alternative. 

Next steps? A few tips to letting go.

http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Six-Steps-to-Letting-Go-of-Anger.html

Step One: Identify the loss

What is it that you are angry about? And how do you feel about it? Don't allow the 'it's going to be ok' and 'things will get better' statements to justify sweeping your feelings under the rug. Address the situation for what it is and really dig deep into why you feel the way you do.

Step Two: Allow yourself to grieve

 A person needs time to accept that the pain is real and to embrace the health that comes with allowing yourself to hurt for a while. The denial of refusing to grieve – "I am fine! I am strong! I'll get over it!" – is not an indicator of strength.

Step Three: Let compassion replace resentment

 "Hurt people hurt people."

Once a person has gone through the first two steps of letting go of anger, they are often ready to do the difficult but liberating work of shifting their perspective. This involves the recognition that people only act very badly when they feel very badly. If someone has hurt you, take a look at their history. No doubt they were deeply mistreated themselves, and the hurtful and infuriating behavior comes from a deep reservoir of personal pain.

When we focus on the bad behavior and what the person did to us, we naturally feel resentment. But by looking beyond the behavior to see the hurt emotionally-scarred person underneath, we can replace resentment with compassion.

Step Four: Forgive

As long as you remain bitter and unforgiving, you're still squeezing the sharp object in your hand, blaming the object for your pain, and forgetting that you are the one doing the squeezing.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning or justifying any misdeeds. It's not rejoining with the offender. It simply means giving up your desire for revenge and letting go of the expectation that s/he will make amends. It's untying the knots that keep you emotionally entwined and prevent you from healing. It's a conscious and deliberate decision, without which a person cannot fully heal.

Step Five: Look for the hidden gems

Everything happens for a reason. With each action comes a consequence. Because of the different events that occurred in your life, good or bad, you are where you are and who you are now. Sometimes it helps to examine those things you are angry with or situations you are angry about and provide a positive to the negative. 

I'm thankful (insert a challenge you are experiencing) because it means that (insert the hidden gem underneath the struggle).

Someone who went through a divorce provided....

"I'm thankful for the pain of my divorce... because it helped me understand what is important to me and what behavior I will not accept. It has brought me closer to becoming the person I know I need to be to have a healthy marriage based on mutual respect."

Step Six: Write a letter

The last step in working through anger is to put pen to paper (if that's possible anymore!) and write a letter to the person who hurt you. Most of the time it's better not to send this letter. People who are suffering from a low self-esteem (which most offenders are) are likely to receive these words in an inaccurate and distorted way.

But there's something about spelling out hurts and frustrations that allows you to release the anger. When a person clarifies their loss, and desires to forgive and move beyond the resentment, they often feel an automatic release of the anger that has left them debilitated for years.

I am writing this blog to relay a message. In writing, though, it also allows me to examine avenues of freedom for my own growth. 

TODAY'S CHALLENGE  

I felt it necessary to get this out prior to the holiday so that I could send it out twice. The challenge is one of communication. Some of us have a hurt within very close quarters. Family, close friends, etc. It's usually the people that are closest to you that hurt the most. During this time, when we are supposed to be around our families and friends, is usually where the anger surfaces and becomes evident. People do not want to be around people or speak or exchange gifts..whatever the case may be, because of past resentments and grudges. And what does that accomplish for you in the end? I know for everyone it's not an easy task. It's not an easy task for me. Take the time, if you feel you cannot speak to the person that has wronged you, take the time to at least release YOURSELF.  Life is short....

Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
Roberto Assagioli 

Giving a future, your present...Step 7

We are on day 7 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

7. Thoughts Of Your Ex

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

We have all been here. We either have an ex that we cannot stop thinking about or keeping away from, or we have a current relationship, and the 'ex' is still around in some shape, form or fashion causing doubt or confusion. Directly or indirectly is irrelevant.  You have the choice to keep the person around and choosing to do so sends a message to all parties involved. The ex is given power. The current person loses power, and 9 times out of 10 you are unsure.

THE EX - We have been the ex. The person that doesn't want to be with someone, but maybe doesn't want anyone to be with their 'ex someone' either. We are funny like that. Maybe we just don't want our ex to find someone first so we keep them around like it's a race. Or we haven't found someone yet, so they are good company until we do.  Some people say, "well we are really just friends."  Maybe. But you know what the ex inevitably does?  They remind you of things that you used to do. Places you used to go. Especially if you start to see someone else. When there is static between you and that person, they always want to offer up their advise. Or the infamous, " Oh I would never do that." Or ,"  Really ? Do you remember.....?"  You may as well keep out a picture for good measure.

                                            

THE CURRENT SOMEONE - This person is the unknowing newcomer, and when there is an ex involved this places that person in a tough spot.  Are you the understanding , no low self esteem new significant other that can handle the ex being around as a friend? Or do you show 'crazy' right away and tell the new partner to ex the ex?  I have only come directly out of a relationship once where I was still friends with an ex and they started dating someone else. My ex at that time,and I had been together for 2 years, married for over 4 and then friends after we divorced another probably 2 years.   When he began seeing someone else, we were still communicating as friends. When they became a little more involved, she told him point blank she didn't want me around. Now, initially I was like, " What is this chick's hangup? We are just friends. " It took a conversation with my mother to get my head straight. She's like, really? If this were you, and your new boyfriend communicated with his ex, how would that make you feel? I still remember not being really cool with it even after speaking to my mother but out of respect for him and his relationship, we stopped communicating completely. COMPLETELY. No cards on holidays. No occasional hey how are you doing phone calls. We cut it cold turkey. Now, many years later, they are married with 2 sons. I'm not saying I could have prevented that from happening if I were around, but I am glad they were able to give it a chance because I wasn't.  I appreciate it now. I respected him for doing that for her, and I respected her for taking the stand to voice her insecurity as a real issue.

YOU - The final piece. You are the person that has found someone else, but still has your ex around. And around can be physically or someone you still think about. This can cause so many problems subconsciously and otherwise for you. You automatically compare any actions this person does to your ex and what they did. I have a friend who reintroduces herself when I compare her to others. It's funny, and valid. She is a different person from anyone I've known. If I keep comparing her to someone from my past, I am automatically categorizing her before giving her the opportunity to be herself and really getting to know her and appreciate who she is. If you haven't let your ex go, you may not ever give others the opportunity to be something more for you. They will continually have to prove themselves to be different than your past, and that is self destructive, for both you and the new person. This can also make them uncomfortable just being themselves.  And ex's who are waiting in the wings have the best seat in the house. It's like the younger sibling that watches all the older siblings mistakes. They just take notes, and get in when it's safe. And they would know when they opportunity arises. They aren't in the hot seat as they were when they were in the relationship. No expectations. And don't forget they can be that shoulder to cry on when things finally go awry. What a great friend!

When you hang on to things, emotions, people, situations, circumstances, how things used to be, etc, you don't allow new people in your circle. They are fighting your past and not even realizing it. 

Don't Just Talk about it, BE about it....Step 8.

We are on day 8 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

8. The Idea That Good Fortune Will Arrive At Your Doorstep

You need to go out into the world and actively look for fulfillment. You cannot take a backseat in life and expect things to happen for you. Appreciate the life you live, and be grateful for what you have. Value each minute of every day. Live like there’s no tomorrow, and make the most out of any situation.

Sometimes, I believe this comes from fear of not wanting to go out and be rejected. Sometimes, I think this comes from flat out not knowing what you want.  This applies to everything and anything.  It you aren't getting what you need from that job, what do you want exactly? Waiting on that 'soulmate'? What does that person have that you want or are looking for in a mate.  Do you know what that is? It's like going to the grocery store hungry, and without a list. You will just pick up everything, waste your money, and your time. Know what you want.

I remember a story I was told once in church about a man that was caught in a flood. Instead of leaving his home, he thought to himself, the Lord will take care of me and stayed in his home. The water started to rise, so the man moved to the top floors of his house and eventually his roof, as this was the only dry part of his house. A man in a boat rowed by to pick him up, and he stated , ' Go without me. The Lord will save me.' So, the boat left. As the water continued to rise, a helicopter flew over the roof. They lowered a ladder to the man, and again the man stated, 'Don't worry! The Lord will save me. I have prayed and am waiting on God.'  Well, eventually, the water covered the roof and the man drowned. He died and went to heaven and was standing at the gates waiting on his chance to speak with God, because CLEARLY, he had some questions. When he reached God, the first thing he asked was,' WHY did you let me die? I prayed and waited for You to save me and You let me drown.'  To which God replied, 'I sent a boat, AND a helicopter to save you. What were you waiting on? A personal invitation?'

Sometimes, we are expecting this royal treatment into things, like we are owed. Or we won't accept things unless they are given a certain way. You never know where something or someone can lead you. If you are presented something that is not exactly as you had hoped, make the most of it. You don't know where it can lead.  We cannot control circumstances, but we CAN control our reactions to them.

So many of us are waiting. Waiting on that perfect 'blank blank blank'. Job, spouse, school, team, situation, circumstance, .... In the meantime, we are turning away other opportunities or people, disregarding their value when you could be turning away what was meant for you all along. Or,we sit and complain about that situation, or person, or circumstance, and instead of making the most of it, making a change to make it better, or getting out of it,we sit around and wait for SOMETHING to make things better. Things don't just HAPPEN. Relationships require work. Work requires work. When you want something to work, you put in the work to make it work. 

Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.

Michael Jordan

It may not always come in a pretty box. It may take time. It may take blood and tears. It may take a day or years. Regardless of how it gets there, don't take your chances betting on it getting there by some magic notion. If you want it, go get it.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE:

Where do you start? Well, first off, you START. Here are a few steps I found on Brazen Life.

http://blog.brazencareerist.com/2013/07/05/4-steps-to-creating-the-life-you-want-and-deserve/

1. Stop wondering what you want and figure it out right now

You may not even know what you want out of your life. Think about it: When is the last time you sat down and did some heavy soul-searching to figure out what you want? Been awhile, eh?

That soul-searching is the one-way ticket to understanding what you want out of your life—so get to it, immediately. Understanding what you really want will help to make you happier and more fulfilled… and who wouldn’t want that?

Tip: Call up your best friend and ask them to help you articulate what you really want. Then write up your vision for an ideal life. Leave nothing out.

2. Create bold, out-of-your-comfort-zone goals

What’s the point of being on this journey if you’re not going to be bold?

Now, I’m not saying you have to do anything irresponsible or dangerous. I’m saying you should be daring. You should be ambitious. You should feel scared. Your goals should feel audacious, and you should know that you achieved more out of life. This starts with creating goals for yourself that may be out of your comfort zone.

Tip: Start small. If your goal is to be the President, you don’t throw yourself into a political campaign, do you? You outline how you’re going to get yourself to that level and take the steps necessary to get there. Same goes for your goal. Pick one thing you can do today and do it. Then choose the next one and keep going.

3. Muster up some confidence to drive you to take action

Confidence is a key element to flipping your system. You’ll find that when you muster the confidence to move ahead with your bold goals, you’ll let go of your fears and your vulnerabilities. Plus, when you start having more conviction in yourself, you’ll discover strategies to fill in any confidence gaps that have kept you in the passenger seat of your own life.

Tip: If you’re having confidence problems, find out why. Is it because your goals are bold and you’re scared? Is it because you don’t know where to start? Perhaps you just need someone to help push you in the right direction. Whatever the reason, raising your awareness is half the battle. Taking action to correct it is the other half.

4. Take charge and do the work

No one is going to do the work for you. Sad, but true.

When you’re making major life transformations, getting up and running is key. Any good design takes more than a couple practice rounds—and so does creating the big, exciting, amazing life you deserve. In the end, you are responsible for finding and creating your own happiness in this life. Don’t lose that momentum! Take charge, get out, be your own driver and move forth with the confidence of knowing you can be great.

Tip: If you get this far and drop down, you’re screwed. Find some tenacity! Don’t procrastinate, because if you do, you’re in the same position as you were when you started this journey. And, quite clearly, that’s not where you wanted to be.

You deserve an extraordinary life. I know that, you know that, the world knows that. You just have to take the right steps in order to get there. So keep the above in mind when you begin your journey. Figure out what you want, set specific goals, muster up some confidence and take charge of your life. You got this! Now get to work!

Envy ...the ulcer of the soul - Socrates Step 15

We are on day 15 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

Let go of...

15. Jealousy

Happiness is not having what you want; it’s wanting what you have. Stop envying others and learn to appreciate what you have. Everyone’s life is unique; you have certain things to offer that others cannot. When we act in a jealous manner, all we do is bring negative feelings into our lives. There is absolutely nothing to gain from behaving this way.

Jealousy is ugly and really linked to a few things that you need to let go of that we have already discussed. It's a form of control, at least to the person that is jealous.  It can stem from insecurity.  I tend to struggle with this one as well.  I am loyal and exclusive.  I complained previously about always being that go to person for people and how that can be overwhelming. Well, I tend to instigate that behavior.  I like being the person that people need.  CONTROL! I had 3 people call me superwoman in the past week...And although I don't always have that strength, and need support from others, I love the title.

I think most people think of couples or intimate relationships when they hear the term jealous.  I don't want to focus on just those relationships as you can be jealous of what others have, that you don't. You can be jealous of how someone is prettier, better, richer, etc. than you are. This is behavior that is not including the typical, I wonder if my boyfriend/girlfriend likes someone else or thinks that person is better looking, etc.

There were a few tips I liked from a blog on how to overcome envy.

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2010/07/13/how-to-overcome-envy/

• Focus on yourself when it comes to comparing.

This is really important to remember.  There are words to a gospel song I love where they say, 'you don't know my story. You don't know the things that I've come through. You cannot imagine. The pain the trials I've had to endure' (John P Kee, Life and Favor) This applies to you and each and every person out there. You don't know what it took for someone to get where they are or to obtain the things they have. They don't know these things about you, so how can you compare yourself to someone else. You can only run your race. You will always fail if you compare yourself to others. You will never feel like you have accomplished anything, if it's never as good as someone else.

• Be grateful for what you got.

This is self explanatory. You cannot expect to receive more when you are not even grateful for what you have. Be thankful or you will always be dissatisfied.

• Develop an abundance mentality

This again is a mentality shift. Focus on things you HAVE instead of what you DON'T have. It makes you appreciate those things and people around you.

As you read, you can tell there's a pattern. It's all a mental game. Most of this is just turning around your way of thinking. This applies to intimate and not so personal relationships

• Don't hate, appreciate - You know what helps me? If there is someone out there that I am jealous of or something they have that I want, I go to them and congratulate them. Ask them how they got there. People love to speak on themselves, but more importantly it puts you in a better mental space, and who knows, maybe you learn something new you can apply to your own life.
• You are insatiable - Most people are never satisfied. If you have curly hair, you want it to be straight. If you have a big booty, you want a smaller one. If you don't have a booty, you want a Kim Kardashian badonkadunk.  I wish he communicated better. I wish she wasn't so fat. I wish...I want...We always want the opposite of what we have. You will continue to make yourself unhappy wanting something else.
• There's always someone else - There's always someone prettier, richer, smarter, luckier, more famous, more likeable, etc. Why hate on THAT one, so why hate at all. It just stresses you out, makes you unhappy, and makes the one you are jealous of LOOK even better than you. WHACK

TODAY'S CHALLENGES : Reach out to that chick you don't like, for no good reason, and pay her a compliment. Make a list of those things you have that you are thankful for, or the qualities of that person you are with that you are thankful for. Your significant other lacking ? Of course they are. At least you think so. Think of the things they are good at doing and compliment them on that. Appreciate the things you have. If you did have the things you THINK you really want there would always be something else you THINK you need.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
William Penn 

What you say you are, you will be..Step 16

We are on day 16 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

Let go of...

16. Insecurity

Happy people tend to have extremely high levels of self-esteem. They accept who they are and work at it everyday of their lives. They radiate confidence, flaunt their pride and give off positive vibes. There is no reason to be insecure in life. If there are things you are self-conscious about, go out into the world and seek to change them. Only you have the ability to create the best version of yourself.

What we have to realize is that we tend to have insecurities about things WE manifest and nurture in our minds and eventually in our physical. We sometimes like to blame our insecurites and self esteem issues on other people, and although some people may mention things or do things that may initiate certain thoughts within us, we decide how we digest and nurture those thoughts. YOU alone decide if you feel fat, ugly, incompetent, worthless, pretty, etc...No one else makes that determination.

I love this quote. I feel it's so true. Take a look at who you spend most of your time meditating on in your mind and who you spend most of your personal time trying to please. Sometimes we are so anxious to please those that aren't happy with who we are, that we 1. miss out on the people who truly matter and really love us, and 2. we continue to dig a deeper and deeper whole reiterating our lack of self worth, and level of who we are.  Other people are quick to point out things that are wrong with others...Ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, there's nothing wrong with you at all? 

I found this list in an article in the HUFFINGTON Post. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/02/07/boost-your-self-esteem_n_2632824.html

10 Things you can do now to improve your self esteem. It starts with you...Not anyone else. The word says it ..SELF esteem. OTHERS will think of you and treat you the way YOU allow.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. Trying to live up to or exceed someone else’s personal best is a losing game. As the saying goes, “How boring would it be if we were all the same?” Focus on being the best you that you can be.

2. Compliment yourself regularly, either by looking in the mirror and saying something you like about yourself or writing it in a journal. Many times, we’re quick to compliment others on their success but hesitate to do the same for ourselves.

3. Exercise consistently, at least 30 minutes of exercise several times a week, to strengthen muscles and to burn calories. Improve your physical strength, and you may feel a sense of empowerment that can dramatically enhance your self-esteem.

4. Simply smile. The mere act of smiling changes blood flow to the brain and can actually makes you feel happier and relieve tension. A smile sets off chemical and physical reactions within your mind and body, releasing endorphins that boost your mood.

5. Focus on your accomplishments. Forgive yourself for mistakes and focus on the positive by celebrating your victories. Consider writing them down so you can review and reflect when you’re feeling down and need to renew your confidence.

6. Get the support you need to succeed. Join a weight-loss support group, like TOPS, which can help you to stay on track to accomplish your wellness goals. Fellow members will help keep you motivated.

7. Make a list of your positive qualities. Are you generous? Kind? Write down at least ten positive qualities about yourself and return to this list as often as needed to boost your morale.

8. Find something special in each day. Even if it’s in a small way, do something pleasant and rewarding, like catching up on your favorite television show, taking a walk to the park, or indulging in a bubble bath. Or treat yourself to something small that isn’t a food or beverage, like a manicure or a new piece of costume jewelry.

9. Eat better. Pay attention to your food choices and nourish your body. Buy healthier foods and prepare well-balanced meals that will help give you energy and feel like your best self – not sluggish and overstuffed.

10. Explore a passion. Whether it’s a side job, hobby, or as a volunteer, pursuing your passion in even a small way can lead to a sense of purpose and significantly improve your overall happiness and quality of life.

I am ending with this quote because I LOVE IT. It's so true. Why do we give so much value to other's opinions of us? Why are others the experts ? When and why do we allow that kind of power?

“Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?”― Brigham Young

TODAY's Challenge - I like #7, because clearly, I like lists. Make a list of positive things about yourself, and post it somewhere. Remind yourself daily of the great person you are and the things you contribute to your friends, life and society.

Do More of What Makes YOU Happy.... Step 17

Happiness....the 20 Step Series....

Let go of....

17. Depending On Others For Happiness

At the end of the day, the only person you can count on 100 percent of the time is yourself. Do not make the unfortunate mistake many people do and put your happiness in the hands of others. A relationship is not going to fulfill the void if you can’t even make yourself happy. You need to achieve happiness on your own before you can find someone else to share it with. This creates a detrimental dependency that will prevent you from becoming self-sufficient.

I am a people pleaser. Not someone that will tell you what you want to hear.  I want everyone to be happy, sometimes to my own detriment.  I will go as far as making myself uncomfortable to keep someone else happy. I like to call it being 'unselfish'. In reality, it  handicaps myself and the people involved.  How many times have I gone out of my way to do something for someone or BE a certain way for someone only to find that it wasn't exactly what they wanted or, they changed their mind.  I find at times that I am doing so much for others, I don't really know what I want anymore. 

Excerpt from http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-people-let-other-people-compromise-their-happiness-p1/

What to Do About It:

1. Consider the benefits of letting people dislike you if that’s their choice.

2. Don’t think about being liked; think about being respected.

I am a major people pleaser. I want everyone to like me all the time, and it pains me when someone sees me in a negative light. When I want to say no but feel hesitant, I remember: that person may be annoyed with me in that moment, but eventually they will respect that I communicated what I need and want.

3. Focus on what you did right; not what you did wrong.

If you feel bad that you didn’t drive your sister to work, think of everything you achieved by saying no. You gave yourself time to work on your art. You acknowledged how you felt even though it was tough. And maybe you motivated your sister to finally take her license test. Sometimes it benefits someone in the long run to hear no in the moment.

Some people fall into these patterns on occasion, whereas others live in a constant state of blaming and stressing about other people’s opinions. I know I’ve done my share of both. Both leave me feeling restless and out of control.

On some level, control is always an illusion. Very little is certain in this world. The only things we can control are: what we do, how we interpret things that happen to us, and how we respond to other people’s actions. It’s like Eleanor Roosevelt said:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Conversely, no one can make your happy. No one except for you.

Unfortunately, people naturally take advantage of situations. We will milk it for all its' worth, or all THEY are worth. For people who really are very giving, this is a hard pill to swallow.   I had a friend tell me once that I would know when I was truly starting to do things for myself, when I made plans or thought of situations, completely void of anyone else.  As simple as that sounds, I found I wasn't doing that as often as I would have thought.

What to Do About It

1. Let the past remind you other people can’t make you happy.

You’ve likely had other relationships. Other people have probably given you things you wanted before. Did that solve everything? Did your life suddenly become perfect? When you realize it has never worked that way, it’s easier to acknowledge it won’t in the future, either. Which then leads you to evaluate whatyou can do for yourself.

2. Identify the benefits of taking responsibility.

It’s scary to take full responsibility for your happiness. If it’s all on you, you have to do something. Find your purpose. Fulfill your passions. Take initiative and keep doing it. It also means you can feel happy without depending on someone else. What better tool to have inside you then the power to make yourself feel good no matter who is in your life?  

3. Consider the idea of impermanence in relationships.

Not even marriage ensures someone will be in your life forever. Death or divorce could change everything—it’s just a fact of life. Do you really want to pin your joy to a moving target? Relationships are always in flux, and can end at any time. By finding joy within yourself, you set the stage for lasting bliss. What can you do today to tap into happiness?

Your challenge for today....make a list. What things make you happy. Things of those things you do, situations you are in, places you go, etc, that bring you to a place of peace. Write those situations down, and then...? Well, do more of it. The people that are around you that truly care for YOUR happiness, will still be there, and will like the you, YOU are better. 

A child does not have to be taught how to be happy or the ways of love. It is fear, hatred, and prejudice that have to be taught. Jawan