Do you even know you hurt me?....Step 2

We are on day 2 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

2. Anger/Resentment

Anger will eat at you from the inside. Learn how to make peace with those who have wronged you. This isn’t about letting the other person off the hook; it’s about alleviating the pain that resonates within you. Keep in mind that he who angers you, controls you.

I have a secret....When I was very young, at the tender age of 5, I had a life changing event.  We all have had these moments , events, circumstances, whether beyond our control or self inflicted, that then makes your life different...It's the point in the movie where the narrator states, 'and their lives were forever changed' ..I was forever changed beyond my control and still dealing with the residue from that event. It's one of those emotional situations that hides , not well, but enough to where you are functional, and then rears its' head when you are in some vulnerable space. This event resurfaced for me mentally when I was in my early 20's and triggered  yet another life changing event. This one self inflicted and to this day, a painful memory. You see, the first event produced anger. Anger towards someone else for something I had no control  over and anger I was unaware I harbored until, oddly enough, I noticed this person was on facebook and was living a normal life. The NERVE!  Wasn't this person sad about what happened?   Why are they even allowed to live a normal life? Ah, I guess life goes on ..wow.

My second event developed resentment and anger towards myself. This time the punishment has been placed on me and MY rights to happiness. This time, I don't deserve it, because I didn't make the 'right' decision. You see, I say ;'don't' because it's present tense. Because I still deal with the anxiety of denying myself a life because I ' don't'  deserve it. The good things I do are not enough and when something good happens I have to wake up and make something else good and even better happen. 

These events within my life were different but produced the same byproduct.  The funny thing is, I made myself miserable in both instances, with no pain transfer to the person I felt deserved to be miserable. It's funny how that works. We have these people that affect our lives in such a way, we expect some sort of vindication for our suffering, when most of the time, they don't know they did something wrong, they don't remember it happened. or worse yet, they DID know it was wrong, but you know what...Life goes on. Or maybe this person is still around or in your life. You are harboring emotions or ill will that will continue to be reflected in how you treat this person. Consciously or sub consciously, this person will not receive a true version of you until you let that animosity go.  And in that same regard, others may suffer the consequences or their wrong doing.

I found a really great analogy about holding on to anger.

"Holding onto anger toward another person is like holding a sharp object in the palm of your hand. The harder you squeeze, the more you suffer. If we cast blame, saying, "He makes me so angry" or "She is ruining my life," it's like blaming the sharp object for our pain – when we're the one doing the squeezing! When we let go of anger and resentment, it's like releasing our grip of the sharp object."

This is deep, but real. You are holding the hurt, when all you have to do is let it go. Sometimes, we get used to the pain. We sit in it enough to where it becomes more comfortable than the alternative. 

Next steps? A few tips to letting go.

http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Six-Steps-to-Letting-Go-of-Anger.html

Step One: Identify the loss

What is it that you are angry about? And how do you feel about it? Don't allow the 'it's going to be ok' and 'things will get better' statements to justify sweeping your feelings under the rug. Address the situation for what it is and really dig deep into why you feel the way you do.

Step Two: Allow yourself to grieve

 A person needs time to accept that the pain is real and to embrace the health that comes with allowing yourself to hurt for a while. The denial of refusing to grieve – "I am fine! I am strong! I'll get over it!" – is not an indicator of strength.

Step Three: Let compassion replace resentment

 "Hurt people hurt people."

Once a person has gone through the first two steps of letting go of anger, they are often ready to do the difficult but liberating work of shifting their perspective. This involves the recognition that people only act very badly when they feel very badly. If someone has hurt you, take a look at their history. No doubt they were deeply mistreated themselves, and the hurtful and infuriating behavior comes from a deep reservoir of personal pain.

When we focus on the bad behavior and what the person did to us, we naturally feel resentment. But by looking beyond the behavior to see the hurt emotionally-scarred person underneath, we can replace resentment with compassion.

Step Four: Forgive

As long as you remain bitter and unforgiving, you're still squeezing the sharp object in your hand, blaming the object for your pain, and forgetting that you are the one doing the squeezing.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning or justifying any misdeeds. It's not rejoining with the offender. It simply means giving up your desire for revenge and letting go of the expectation that s/he will make amends. It's untying the knots that keep you emotionally entwined and prevent you from healing. It's a conscious and deliberate decision, without which a person cannot fully heal.

Step Five: Look for the hidden gems

Everything happens for a reason. With each action comes a consequence. Because of the different events that occurred in your life, good or bad, you are where you are and who you are now. Sometimes it helps to examine those things you are angry with or situations you are angry about and provide a positive to the negative. 

I'm thankful (insert a challenge you are experiencing) because it means that (insert the hidden gem underneath the struggle).

Someone who went through a divorce provided....

"I'm thankful for the pain of my divorce... because it helped me understand what is important to me and what behavior I will not accept. It has brought me closer to becoming the person I know I need to be to have a healthy marriage based on mutual respect."

Step Six: Write a letter

The last step in working through anger is to put pen to paper (if that's possible anymore!) and write a letter to the person who hurt you. Most of the time it's better not to send this letter. People who are suffering from a low self-esteem (which most offenders are) are likely to receive these words in an inaccurate and distorted way.

But there's something about spelling out hurts and frustrations that allows you to release the anger. When a person clarifies their loss, and desires to forgive and move beyond the resentment, they often feel an automatic release of the anger that has left them debilitated for years.

I am writing this blog to relay a message. In writing, though, it also allows me to examine avenues of freedom for my own growth. 

TODAY'S CHALLENGE  

I felt it necessary to get this out prior to the holiday so that I could send it out twice. The challenge is one of communication. Some of us have a hurt within very close quarters. Family, close friends, etc. It's usually the people that are closest to you that hurt the most. During this time, when we are supposed to be around our families and friends, is usually where the anger surfaces and becomes evident. People do not want to be around people or speak or exchange gifts..whatever the case may be, because of past resentments and grudges. And what does that accomplish for you in the end? I know for everyone it's not an easy task. It's not an easy task for me. Take the time, if you feel you cannot speak to the person that has wronged you, take the time to at least release YOURSELF.  Life is short....

Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
Roberto Assagioli