Giving a future, your present...Step 7

We are on day 7 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

7. Thoughts Of Your Ex

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

We have all been here. We either have an ex that we cannot stop thinking about or keeping away from, or we have a current relationship, and the 'ex' is still around in some shape, form or fashion causing doubt or confusion. Directly or indirectly is irrelevant.  You have the choice to keep the person around and choosing to do so sends a message to all parties involved. The ex is given power. The current person loses power, and 9 times out of 10 you are unsure.

THE EX - We have been the ex. The person that doesn't want to be with someone, but maybe doesn't want anyone to be with their 'ex someone' either. We are funny like that. Maybe we just don't want our ex to find someone first so we keep them around like it's a race. Or we haven't found someone yet, so they are good company until we do.  Some people say, "well we are really just friends."  Maybe. But you know what the ex inevitably does?  They remind you of things that you used to do. Places you used to go. Especially if you start to see someone else. When there is static between you and that person, they always want to offer up their advise. Or the infamous, " Oh I would never do that." Or ,"  Really ? Do you remember.....?"  You may as well keep out a picture for good measure.

                                            

THE CURRENT SOMEONE - This person is the unknowing newcomer, and when there is an ex involved this places that person in a tough spot.  Are you the understanding , no low self esteem new significant other that can handle the ex being around as a friend? Or do you show 'crazy' right away and tell the new partner to ex the ex?  I have only come directly out of a relationship once where I was still friends with an ex and they started dating someone else. My ex at that time,and I had been together for 2 years, married for over 4 and then friends after we divorced another probably 2 years.   When he began seeing someone else, we were still communicating as friends. When they became a little more involved, she told him point blank she didn't want me around. Now, initially I was like, " What is this chick's hangup? We are just friends. " It took a conversation with my mother to get my head straight. She's like, really? If this were you, and your new boyfriend communicated with his ex, how would that make you feel? I still remember not being really cool with it even after speaking to my mother but out of respect for him and his relationship, we stopped communicating completely. COMPLETELY. No cards on holidays. No occasional hey how are you doing phone calls. We cut it cold turkey. Now, many years later, they are married with 2 sons. I'm not saying I could have prevented that from happening if I were around, but I am glad they were able to give it a chance because I wasn't.  I appreciate it now. I respected him for doing that for her, and I respected her for taking the stand to voice her insecurity as a real issue.

YOU - The final piece. You are the person that has found someone else, but still has your ex around. And around can be physically or someone you still think about. This can cause so many problems subconsciously and otherwise for you. You automatically compare any actions this person does to your ex and what they did. I have a friend who reintroduces herself when I compare her to others. It's funny, and valid. She is a different person from anyone I've known. If I keep comparing her to someone from my past, I am automatically categorizing her before giving her the opportunity to be herself and really getting to know her and appreciate who she is. If you haven't let your ex go, you may not ever give others the opportunity to be something more for you. They will continually have to prove themselves to be different than your past, and that is self destructive, for both you and the new person. This can also make them uncomfortable just being themselves.  And ex's who are waiting in the wings have the best seat in the house. It's like the younger sibling that watches all the older siblings mistakes. They just take notes, and get in when it's safe. And they would know when they opportunity arises. They aren't in the hot seat as they were when they were in the relationship. No expectations. And don't forget they can be that shoulder to cry on when things finally go awry. What a great friend!

When you hang on to things, emotions, people, situations, circumstances, how things used to be, etc, you don't allow new people in your circle. They are fighting your past and not even realizing it.