Giving a future, your present...Step 7

We are on day 7 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

7. Thoughts Of Your Ex

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

We have all been here. We either have an ex that we cannot stop thinking about or keeping away from, or we have a current relationship, and the 'ex' is still around in some shape, form or fashion causing doubt or confusion. Directly or indirectly is irrelevant.  You have the choice to keep the person around and choosing to do so sends a message to all parties involved. The ex is given power. The current person loses power, and 9 times out of 10 you are unsure.

THE EX - We have been the ex. The person that doesn't want to be with someone, but maybe doesn't want anyone to be with their 'ex someone' either. We are funny like that. Maybe we just don't want our ex to find someone first so we keep them around like it's a race. Or we haven't found someone yet, so they are good company until we do.  Some people say, "well we are really just friends."  Maybe. But you know what the ex inevitably does?  They remind you of things that you used to do. Places you used to go. Especially if you start to see someone else. When there is static between you and that person, they always want to offer up their advise. Or the infamous, " Oh I would never do that." Or ,"  Really ? Do you remember.....?"  You may as well keep out a picture for good measure.

                                            

THE CURRENT SOMEONE - This person is the unknowing newcomer, and when there is an ex involved this places that person in a tough spot.  Are you the understanding , no low self esteem new significant other that can handle the ex being around as a friend? Or do you show 'crazy' right away and tell the new partner to ex the ex?  I have only come directly out of a relationship once where I was still friends with an ex and they started dating someone else. My ex at that time,and I had been together for 2 years, married for over 4 and then friends after we divorced another probably 2 years.   When he began seeing someone else, we were still communicating as friends. When they became a little more involved, she told him point blank she didn't want me around. Now, initially I was like, " What is this chick's hangup? We are just friends. " It took a conversation with my mother to get my head straight. She's like, really? If this were you, and your new boyfriend communicated with his ex, how would that make you feel? I still remember not being really cool with it even after speaking to my mother but out of respect for him and his relationship, we stopped communicating completely. COMPLETELY. No cards on holidays. No occasional hey how are you doing phone calls. We cut it cold turkey. Now, many years later, they are married with 2 sons. I'm not saying I could have prevented that from happening if I were around, but I am glad they were able to give it a chance because I wasn't.  I appreciate it now. I respected him for doing that for her, and I respected her for taking the stand to voice her insecurity as a real issue.

YOU - The final piece. You are the person that has found someone else, but still has your ex around. And around can be physically or someone you still think about. This can cause so many problems subconsciously and otherwise for you. You automatically compare any actions this person does to your ex and what they did. I have a friend who reintroduces herself when I compare her to others. It's funny, and valid. She is a different person from anyone I've known. If I keep comparing her to someone from my past, I am automatically categorizing her before giving her the opportunity to be herself and really getting to know her and appreciate who she is. If you haven't let your ex go, you may not ever give others the opportunity to be something more for you. They will continually have to prove themselves to be different than your past, and that is self destructive, for both you and the new person. This can also make them uncomfortable just being themselves.  And ex's who are waiting in the wings have the best seat in the house. It's like the younger sibling that watches all the older siblings mistakes. They just take notes, and get in when it's safe. And they would know when they opportunity arises. They aren't in the hot seat as they were when they were in the relationship. No expectations. And don't forget they can be that shoulder to cry on when things finally go awry. What a great friend!

When you hang on to things, emotions, people, situations, circumstances, how things used to be, etc, you don't allow new people in your circle. They are fighting your past and not even realizing it. 

Envy ...the ulcer of the soul - Socrates Step 15

We are on day 15 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

Let go of...

15. Jealousy

Happiness is not having what you want; it’s wanting what you have. Stop envying others and learn to appreciate what you have. Everyone’s life is unique; you have certain things to offer that others cannot. When we act in a jealous manner, all we do is bring negative feelings into our lives. There is absolutely nothing to gain from behaving this way.

Jealousy is ugly and really linked to a few things that you need to let go of that we have already discussed. It's a form of control, at least to the person that is jealous.  It can stem from insecurity.  I tend to struggle with this one as well.  I am loyal and exclusive.  I complained previously about always being that go to person for people and how that can be overwhelming. Well, I tend to instigate that behavior.  I like being the person that people need.  CONTROL! I had 3 people call me superwoman in the past week...And although I don't always have that strength, and need support from others, I love the title.

I think most people think of couples or intimate relationships when they hear the term jealous.  I don't want to focus on just those relationships as you can be jealous of what others have, that you don't. You can be jealous of how someone is prettier, better, richer, etc. than you are. This is behavior that is not including the typical, I wonder if my boyfriend/girlfriend likes someone else or thinks that person is better looking, etc.

There were a few tips I liked from a blog on how to overcome envy.

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2010/07/13/how-to-overcome-envy/

• Focus on yourself when it comes to comparing.

This is really important to remember.  There are words to a gospel song I love where they say, 'you don't know my story. You don't know the things that I've come through. You cannot imagine. The pain the trials I've had to endure' (John P Kee, Life and Favor) This applies to you and each and every person out there. You don't know what it took for someone to get where they are or to obtain the things they have. They don't know these things about you, so how can you compare yourself to someone else. You can only run your race. You will always fail if you compare yourself to others. You will never feel like you have accomplished anything, if it's never as good as someone else.

• Be grateful for what you got.

This is self explanatory. You cannot expect to receive more when you are not even grateful for what you have. Be thankful or you will always be dissatisfied.

• Develop an abundance mentality

This again is a mentality shift. Focus on things you HAVE instead of what you DON'T have. It makes you appreciate those things and people around you.

As you read, you can tell there's a pattern. It's all a mental game. Most of this is just turning around your way of thinking. This applies to intimate and not so personal relationships

• Don't hate, appreciate - You know what helps me? If there is someone out there that I am jealous of or something they have that I want, I go to them and congratulate them. Ask them how they got there. People love to speak on themselves, but more importantly it puts you in a better mental space, and who knows, maybe you learn something new you can apply to your own life.
• You are insatiable - Most people are never satisfied. If you have curly hair, you want it to be straight. If you have a big booty, you want a smaller one. If you don't have a booty, you want a Kim Kardashian badonkadunk.  I wish he communicated better. I wish she wasn't so fat. I wish...I want...We always want the opposite of what we have. You will continue to make yourself unhappy wanting something else.
• There's always someone else - There's always someone prettier, richer, smarter, luckier, more famous, more likeable, etc. Why hate on THAT one, so why hate at all. It just stresses you out, makes you unhappy, and makes the one you are jealous of LOOK even better than you. WHACK

TODAY'S CHALLENGES : Reach out to that chick you don't like, for no good reason, and pay her a compliment. Make a list of those things you have that you are thankful for, or the qualities of that person you are with that you are thankful for. Your significant other lacking ? Of course they are. At least you think so. Think of the things they are good at doing and compliment them on that. Appreciate the things you have. If you did have the things you THINK you really want there would always be something else you THINK you need.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
William Penn