Some things are not meant to RESSURECT

I had the opportunity recently to take some time away from my everyday for a little R and R.  I made a few local trips last year but none that weren't related to a show, and none for me. So, this was the first time I had actually gotten out in over a year. I decided earlier in the year that this was necessary and one day just booked a trip. I saw a few ticket prices to Miami and I have never been to Florida.  Those that know me know that Miami is not really my speed for 'relaxing', so I booked the trip instead, to Ft Lauderdale with the thinking that if I wanted to get into something crazy, I would take the short drive to Miami.  The trip came faster than I knew but immediately after my first show of the year, so I was excited to be able to get away.   

During this time, relaxing was the main thing but I also wanted to reflect on things in my life, where I was, and just reset emotionally, mentally, etc.  There were two main things I wanted to share that left the most impact on me during those few days.

THE SUN RISES for EVERYONE

I went running every morning on the beach before breakfast. There was one morning I went to the beach right across the street from my hotel. Another morning, I biked further south, at least 5-7 miles first, before I began my run. When I entered the beach in both instances, the sun looked the same. It was centered in the background shining on the long expansion of sand to my left and right.  I know how the universe works, but for some reason, I was expecting it to be further up or out of my view because I had moved further along the beach. lol. 

Sometimes, we get hung up on feeling badly because we don't have what we need or we don't think we have enough.  Most of the time we have what we need. We just decide to 'sleep in' and with your hustle from day to day, you miss the basic things that are always there for you.  Take the time to reflect on the quiet and the people, friends, family, situations, etc that have always been there for you. The people and situations that are your rock don't usually change, because they ARE consistent. Don't establish your base with people or things that don't have roots. When you need to come back to them, they need to be there, unconditionally and ready to rejuvenate you. Choose who falls into this bucket wisely. 

LETTING GO does not mean GIVING UP

I love being outdoors, and I love the sun. I can put good use into a pair of sneakers when the weather is right. Last summer, I bought my first pair of Brooks, which is a really great brand of running shoe.  I did an impulse purchase actually, because I was supposed to go to boot camp outdoors with one of my trainers, and I forgot to pack my sneakers. I stopped off at the first running store I found but it was a great store. They tested my running pattern on a treadmill to determine which sneaker would work best. I found that I  have a neutral gait but apparently a choosy color selection because every color I chose, they did not have. lol. So, LITERALLY 7 pairs later, I found a color I could wear every day. 

Now, you are supposed to change out your sneakers almost as often as you change your oil in your car depending on how much you run. Every 3000 miles or every 3 months. During the summer, I can run at least 4 days a week. By August, I should have been ready for new shoes. THEY WERE SO COMFORTABLE. I even had someone send me new ones for Christmas, but I continued to wear my old shoes. One day, someone in class says, ' Are those your socks?'  I looked down at my shoes, and sure enough, my toe was poking out of the side. lol. Ah, I think it's really time to let go.  

While I was in FL, I took one last picture, posted above, as a final farewell.  I knew I wouldn't NOT wear them unless I didn't have them. What better place to bury my shoes than the sunny state of Florida.   We do this in life too, right? Sometimes, you outgrow things, people, situations. Sometimes, things in your life just need to be replaced.  You've had them too long, or they are no longer useful to you in the capacity you had originally intended. No longer GOOD for you, no matter how USED to them you have gotten.  But we hang on to it, because we're used to it. It still feels ok, for the most part.  It feels ok because we're used to the feeling and we are afraid the 'new pair' will hurt our feet. 

When I finally put on the new pair, my ankles hurt and my shins were sore. NOT because these were bad shoes, but because I wore the OLD shoes too long. The new shoes had to correct what bad posture I had established in a pair of shoes I should have let go of a long time ago. There will be growing pains. There is PAIN when you have GROWTH, but you have to move forward, let go, and sometimes, go through a little discomfort to finally come to a better place.

These are my sneakers by the trash at the hotel. Even looking at this makes me a little sad.  

Courage is a choice. Choose courage over fear. 

Love is.......?

WHAT is LOVE?

I liked this when I read it and had to post it to open this up. LOVE...it appears to be so simple. It is one of the most overused and yet, most misunderstood words in our vocabulary. WHAT is love?

" Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we can not command, demand, or disappear love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don't fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love." 

Published on November 25, 2011 by Deborah Anapol, Ph.D. in Love Without Limits

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201111/what-is-love

According to this article, it's uncontrollable. It's something that enters unannounced and can exit in the same fashion.  This would support 'falling' in and out of love. It just happened. I just woke up one day, and I didn't love you anymore. 

Let's go back to basics:

love

  [luhv]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie,love?

Verb

16.

to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17.

to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18.

to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19.

to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

Passion, tender, strong 'liking'. A lot of lofty words that could mean very different things to different people in different situations. I think that is what makes this so complicated. This clearly states though, that love is an emotion .So wait, once I fall in love with someone, I don't just love them forever?.....

Now this is interesting...It is sort of saying the same thing. Yeah, you can't help who you fall in love with, BUT you DO help if you continue to LOVE this person. Love becomes a CHOICE. 

I took this next excerpt from one of my favorite books...'A Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren.

Love is a choice and a commitment. You choose to love or you choose not to love.

Today we’ve bought into this myth that love is uncontrollable, that it’s something that just happens to us; it’s not something we control. In fact, even the language we use implies the uncontrollability of love. We say, “I fell in love,” as if love is some kind of a ditch. It’s like I’m walking along one day and bam! – I fell in love. I couldn’t help myself.

But I have to tell you the truth – that’s not love. Love doesn’t just happen to you. Love is a choice and it represents a commitment.

There it is, that  C word. lol COMMITMENT. We are throwing a lot of terms around. choice, and choosing, commitment, changes, CHANCES. 

I think this will be a great and interesting way to segway into Valentine's Day. Let's get this started..I want your thoughts..What is love???

Mood music! What is love...Haddaway!

Do you even know you hurt me?....Step 2

We are on day 2 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

2. Anger/Resentment

Anger will eat at you from the inside. Learn how to make peace with those who have wronged you. This isn’t about letting the other person off the hook; it’s about alleviating the pain that resonates within you. Keep in mind that he who angers you, controls you.

I have a secret....When I was very young, at the tender age of 5, I had a life changing event.  We all have had these moments , events, circumstances, whether beyond our control or self inflicted, that then makes your life different...It's the point in the movie where the narrator states, 'and their lives were forever changed' ..I was forever changed beyond my control and still dealing with the residue from that event. It's one of those emotional situations that hides , not well, but enough to where you are functional, and then rears its' head when you are in some vulnerable space. This event resurfaced for me mentally when I was in my early 20's and triggered  yet another life changing event. This one self inflicted and to this day, a painful memory. You see, the first event produced anger. Anger towards someone else for something I had no control  over and anger I was unaware I harbored until, oddly enough, I noticed this person was on facebook and was living a normal life. The NERVE!  Wasn't this person sad about what happened?   Why are they even allowed to live a normal life? Ah, I guess life goes on ..wow.

My second event developed resentment and anger towards myself. This time the punishment has been placed on me and MY rights to happiness. This time, I don't deserve it, because I didn't make the 'right' decision. You see, I say ;'don't' because it's present tense. Because I still deal with the anxiety of denying myself a life because I ' don't'  deserve it. The good things I do are not enough and when something good happens I have to wake up and make something else good and even better happen. 

These events within my life were different but produced the same byproduct.  The funny thing is, I made myself miserable in both instances, with no pain transfer to the person I felt deserved to be miserable. It's funny how that works. We have these people that affect our lives in such a way, we expect some sort of vindication for our suffering, when most of the time, they don't know they did something wrong, they don't remember it happened. or worse yet, they DID know it was wrong, but you know what...Life goes on. Or maybe this person is still around or in your life. You are harboring emotions or ill will that will continue to be reflected in how you treat this person. Consciously or sub consciously, this person will not receive a true version of you until you let that animosity go.  And in that same regard, others may suffer the consequences or their wrong doing.

I found a really great analogy about holding on to anger.

"Holding onto anger toward another person is like holding a sharp object in the palm of your hand. The harder you squeeze, the more you suffer. If we cast blame, saying, "He makes me so angry" or "She is ruining my life," it's like blaming the sharp object for our pain – when we're the one doing the squeezing! When we let go of anger and resentment, it's like releasing our grip of the sharp object."

This is deep, but real. You are holding the hurt, when all you have to do is let it go. Sometimes, we get used to the pain. We sit in it enough to where it becomes more comfortable than the alternative. 

Next steps? A few tips to letting go.

http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Six-Steps-to-Letting-Go-of-Anger.html

Step One: Identify the loss

What is it that you are angry about? And how do you feel about it? Don't allow the 'it's going to be ok' and 'things will get better' statements to justify sweeping your feelings under the rug. Address the situation for what it is and really dig deep into why you feel the way you do.

Step Two: Allow yourself to grieve

 A person needs time to accept that the pain is real and to embrace the health that comes with allowing yourself to hurt for a while. The denial of refusing to grieve – "I am fine! I am strong! I'll get over it!" – is not an indicator of strength.

Step Three: Let compassion replace resentment

 "Hurt people hurt people."

Once a person has gone through the first two steps of letting go of anger, they are often ready to do the difficult but liberating work of shifting their perspective. This involves the recognition that people only act very badly when they feel very badly. If someone has hurt you, take a look at their history. No doubt they were deeply mistreated themselves, and the hurtful and infuriating behavior comes from a deep reservoir of personal pain.

When we focus on the bad behavior and what the person did to us, we naturally feel resentment. But by looking beyond the behavior to see the hurt emotionally-scarred person underneath, we can replace resentment with compassion.

Step Four: Forgive

As long as you remain bitter and unforgiving, you're still squeezing the sharp object in your hand, blaming the object for your pain, and forgetting that you are the one doing the squeezing.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning or justifying any misdeeds. It's not rejoining with the offender. It simply means giving up your desire for revenge and letting go of the expectation that s/he will make amends. It's untying the knots that keep you emotionally entwined and prevent you from healing. It's a conscious and deliberate decision, without which a person cannot fully heal.

Step Five: Look for the hidden gems

Everything happens for a reason. With each action comes a consequence. Because of the different events that occurred in your life, good or bad, you are where you are and who you are now. Sometimes it helps to examine those things you are angry with or situations you are angry about and provide a positive to the negative. 

I'm thankful (insert a challenge you are experiencing) because it means that (insert the hidden gem underneath the struggle).

Someone who went through a divorce provided....

"I'm thankful for the pain of my divorce... because it helped me understand what is important to me and what behavior I will not accept. It has brought me closer to becoming the person I know I need to be to have a healthy marriage based on mutual respect."

Step Six: Write a letter

The last step in working through anger is to put pen to paper (if that's possible anymore!) and write a letter to the person who hurt you. Most of the time it's better not to send this letter. People who are suffering from a low self-esteem (which most offenders are) are likely to receive these words in an inaccurate and distorted way.

But there's something about spelling out hurts and frustrations that allows you to release the anger. When a person clarifies their loss, and desires to forgive and move beyond the resentment, they often feel an automatic release of the anger that has left them debilitated for years.

I am writing this blog to relay a message. In writing, though, it also allows me to examine avenues of freedom for my own growth. 

TODAY'S CHALLENGE  

I felt it necessary to get this out prior to the holiday so that I could send it out twice. The challenge is one of communication. Some of us have a hurt within very close quarters. Family, close friends, etc. It's usually the people that are closest to you that hurt the most. During this time, when we are supposed to be around our families and friends, is usually where the anger surfaces and becomes evident. People do not want to be around people or speak or exchange gifts..whatever the case may be, because of past resentments and grudges. And what does that accomplish for you in the end? I know for everyone it's not an easy task. It's not an easy task for me. Take the time, if you feel you cannot speak to the person that has wronged you, take the time to at least release YOURSELF.  Life is short....

Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
Roberto Assagioli 

Giving a future, your present...Step 7

We are on day 7 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

7. Thoughts Of Your Ex

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

We have all been here. We either have an ex that we cannot stop thinking about or keeping away from, or we have a current relationship, and the 'ex' is still around in some shape, form or fashion causing doubt or confusion. Directly or indirectly is irrelevant.  You have the choice to keep the person around and choosing to do so sends a message to all parties involved. The ex is given power. The current person loses power, and 9 times out of 10 you are unsure.

THE EX - We have been the ex. The person that doesn't want to be with someone, but maybe doesn't want anyone to be with their 'ex someone' either. We are funny like that. Maybe we just don't want our ex to find someone first so we keep them around like it's a race. Or we haven't found someone yet, so they are good company until we do.  Some people say, "well we are really just friends."  Maybe. But you know what the ex inevitably does?  They remind you of things that you used to do. Places you used to go. Especially if you start to see someone else. When there is static between you and that person, they always want to offer up their advise. Or the infamous, " Oh I would never do that." Or ,"  Really ? Do you remember.....?"  You may as well keep out a picture for good measure.

                                            

THE CURRENT SOMEONE - This person is the unknowing newcomer, and when there is an ex involved this places that person in a tough spot.  Are you the understanding , no low self esteem new significant other that can handle the ex being around as a friend? Or do you show 'crazy' right away and tell the new partner to ex the ex?  I have only come directly out of a relationship once where I was still friends with an ex and they started dating someone else. My ex at that time,and I had been together for 2 years, married for over 4 and then friends after we divorced another probably 2 years.   When he began seeing someone else, we were still communicating as friends. When they became a little more involved, she told him point blank she didn't want me around. Now, initially I was like, " What is this chick's hangup? We are just friends. " It took a conversation with my mother to get my head straight. She's like, really? If this were you, and your new boyfriend communicated with his ex, how would that make you feel? I still remember not being really cool with it even after speaking to my mother but out of respect for him and his relationship, we stopped communicating completely. COMPLETELY. No cards on holidays. No occasional hey how are you doing phone calls. We cut it cold turkey. Now, many years later, they are married with 2 sons. I'm not saying I could have prevented that from happening if I were around, but I am glad they were able to give it a chance because I wasn't.  I appreciate it now. I respected him for doing that for her, and I respected her for taking the stand to voice her insecurity as a real issue.

YOU - The final piece. You are the person that has found someone else, but still has your ex around. And around can be physically or someone you still think about. This can cause so many problems subconsciously and otherwise for you. You automatically compare any actions this person does to your ex and what they did. I have a friend who reintroduces herself when I compare her to others. It's funny, and valid. She is a different person from anyone I've known. If I keep comparing her to someone from my past, I am automatically categorizing her before giving her the opportunity to be herself and really getting to know her and appreciate who she is. If you haven't let your ex go, you may not ever give others the opportunity to be something more for you. They will continually have to prove themselves to be different than your past, and that is self destructive, for both you and the new person. This can also make them uncomfortable just being themselves.  And ex's who are waiting in the wings have the best seat in the house. It's like the younger sibling that watches all the older siblings mistakes. They just take notes, and get in when it's safe. And they would know when they opportunity arises. They aren't in the hot seat as they were when they were in the relationship. No expectations. And don't forget they can be that shoulder to cry on when things finally go awry. What a great friend!

When you hang on to things, emotions, people, situations, circumstances, how things used to be, etc, you don't allow new people in your circle. They are fighting your past and not even realizing it. 

Thinking is as thinking does...Step 13

We are on day 13 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

" God wants to show you exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond, but it will not happen if you’re speaking defeat over your life. " - Joel Osteen

13. Negativity

What you put out into the universe will come back to you, so change the way you think, immediately. Stop thinking of life as a glass half empty, but rather, half full. You have so much to be grateful for, if only you took a moment to appreciate it. Anything is possible in the mind of a positive thinker.

Garbage in, garbage out.  You reap what you sow. Look at the glass as half full, not empty.   

We have all these sayings that we throw around, and this step seems so simple. If you don't want negativity, don't think it. Simple, right?  Our minds are so amazing, that even reigning in on what we think is an exercise in itself. 

The longer you think on something, whether it be true or not, you start to believe it.

- Your swagger portrays it.
- Your dialogue dictates it.
- Your actions mirror it.
- Your family believes it.
- Your friends receive it.

I had the distinct pleasure of attending an improv class with Marishka Phillips , a prominent acting coach in NYC (http://marishkasphillips.com/) and she made mention to what I found a fascinating thought while we were doing an exercise. She said to recollect to our earliest thoughts, which is usually around the age of 5, and try to remember who planted certain thoughts in your head at that time that you still believe today. She said you aren't born thinking a certain way. Someone had to plant these seeds in your mind. WHOA..Think about how amazing that is..Just for a second. Let's say at 5 or before or after, but as a child and for many years, you were told by "fill in the blank" that you were ugly.   This is someone important to you, parent, teacher, close relative, care giver, etc. Repeated words are reinforced daggers that eventually wear at your self image, and make their perception, your reality. Then, it doesn't matter how you look, or what others say. You believe an f'd up visual whittled into your mind by someone else.

This is coming from an outside source. So, imagine what it's like if it's in your own mind. No one lives there, but you, and your mind has all day every day to remind you of things......

BACK up a second.  I'm not really stupid and lazy?

So what do you do? It is a true exercise of your daily thoughts:

1. Watch what I like to call POP UPS - You know how you have the pop up windows on your browser that don't load unless you set it up to automatically load. This is how our mind is sometimes with negative thoughts. I had a client who always said, I can't do that, during our sessions no matter WHAT it was. This is the worst thing you can say to me. It's  like saying you don't like a food you never tried. I told her then that every time she said that, she owed me money. This started to add up, and she realized how often she expressed this, instead of trying. Don't give your pop ups permission.

2. You are a reflection of the company you keep - As much as this may hurt, THIS is OOOH so important. Birds of a feather flock together. If you surround yourself with negativity, which can manifest in situations, circumstances and YES people, you will breed the same. When you go to Disney World, Mickey Mouse doesn't throw tomatoes at you when you walk in. lol. If he, the environment, or anyone there, were any less than super festive, it would not be Disney. People always say to surround yourself with like minded people......Letting go of people that are not on the same page as you, especially when it pertains to your mental health , is not being snotty. It's called growth.

3. SMILE - I don't think I need to tell you how to do this or the benefits. You would be amazed how different your circumstances feel if you just laugh a little. 

4. Negative thoughts are just THOUGHTS - How many of you 'play' the stock market? You buy a commodity at a certain price. Now, the market can yo yo up and down all day long, but until you SELL, your LOSS is not realized. Our thoughts, positive or negative, are just that. THOUGHTS. ...I am ugly, I am not good enough, I am too fat, I am not as smart, ...thoughts, words running through your head. They don't have legs until you give them legs. When these thoughts pop into your head, get rid of them, before it takes a life of its' own. The phrase, 'It's all in your head' is REAL.

5. VERIFY- So a thought comes flying through your mind...They won't like me. I'm too fat....Put on your mental brake... Why did I think that? Did someone say they didn't like me? Did someone say I was fat? And if so, who tha HELL are they ?(judgement blog was yesterday...please re read to refresh) Why does it matter to me IF they like me? Why do I need their approval?  Don't let your mind discount who you are...Prove it!

Today's Challenge - This may be a little time consuming, but worth it if you have the time. List the negative thoughts you have throughout the day. At the end of the day, take a look at your list and put the thoughts through the verification exercise. Initially, I think you would need to write it down,but ideally what you want is to be able to catch these thoughts throughout your day and assess them as you go. Force yourself to think differently, or ...expect the same result.

Happiness....the 20 Step Series....

Today is the first day in a 20 day series on the breakdown of  a list I saw about 'WHAT YOU NEED TO LET GO TO BE HAPPY". And who doesn't want that right?

http://elitedaily.com/life/20s-things-you-need-to-let-go-to-live-happy-life/

Let go of... 

20. Expectations

Managing your expectations is the key to happiness. If you let go of expectations, you will never be disappointed. Often, we tend to believe that the way we treat others will be the way we are treated in return. Unfortunately, this does not always happen. Do not expect a certain result from any given situations. Go into an experience with an open mind. This will allow you to fully immerse yourself, without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

I have a really hard time with this one. (I have a feeling I am going to start most of my posts with this statement)  I tend to live by the 'treat others as you want to be treated' theory. I tend to think that 1. People are looking out for me, 2. People are going to do the RIGHT thing (and what is that) and 3. People have the same foundational notions that I do. None of these statements are accurate. I think it's hard to operate in a state of just 'being' or 'doing'. Who loves someone not EXPECTING to be loved back. Or does something for someone and is happy to never be acknowledged.  It makes you really do things JUST because you want to do them, and truly evaluate why you do the things you do. 

This means accepting people for who they are and giving without reservation, or don't give at all. I had a teacher that told me once in grade school, don't lend out your pencil if you expect to get it back. Give expecting nothing and when you get something in return, you didn't expect it. 

Today's challenge is to do without expecting. Enjoy the now. I'm ready to begin....Are you?

“Give without expectation, accept without reservation, and love with hesitation.”