Do you like me?...yes, no, maybe, who cares...BE happy STEP 1

The number 1 offender of happiness....You must let go of trying to get....

“If you just set out to be liked, you will be prepared to compromise on anything at anytime, and would achieve nothing. ” 
― Margaret Thatcher

1. The Approval Of Others

Who gives a sh*t what other people think? If you are happy with the decisions you have made, then whose business is that but your own? Think of how much you could achieve if you stopped letting other people’s opinions dictate the way you live your life. Do you, and engage in whatever actions you think might better your life.

I posted an article about Mary Mary's Erica Campbell and a dress she was wearing for her album cover. It was a huge ordeal as to whether or not this dress was appropriate for her to wear as a christian artist. Although this in particular has many other moving parts, the foundation of the disgruntlement is the same. The public didn't approve.

Sometimes we focus too much on whether or not we are pleasing others and not on whether or not what we are doing is good for us. There is a time, I feel , that it is appropriate compromise, but at the end of it all, you should do what is best for your. In the end, most people are doing what is best for themselves. If you walk around doing what is best for others all the time, you will miss out on your own happiness.

When you are constantly doing things for others, none of your accomplishments will seem worthy. It will be similar to a hamster in a wheel running and never getting anywhere. People you are trying to please, are not usually satisfied. You will continue to work to satisfy someone that will continue to want more and more from you. You will continue to try to go above and beyond a bar that is consistently raised as you meet it. This is dangerous, especially if you are already someone that is somewhat of an over achiever and hard on yourself as an individual anyways.

I've never been a 'yes' man, per se, but I have always been someone that felt really badly if someone didn't like me. I especially hate it when people around me aren't happy. Now, I do personal training , and lifestyle coaching, for almost 100 people one on one. You see how this can be a problem? When I was in school, I wanted to get in psychology but decided against it while taking courses because I didn't think I would be able to take on the work without taking on their pain. Things come full circle. You always end up in the things you were meant to end up in whether you 'choose' it or not. I am still in a position of taking care of people's problems. Their
'sofa' is just my gym

This is a great quote. It feels good, until it becomes 'desperate'  PLEASE like me. PLEASE be happy. PLEASE accept me.....I have said just recently that I feel happiest when people around me are happy. Even then, I made the statement not really thinking that there was anything wrong with what I said. There shouldn't be a time where we base our own happiness on others. People are flakey, emotional, some timey, and inconsistent. It's like Forest Gump said, you never know what you're gonna get.  :)  You can't live like that. When you are focusing on beinga better person, you are better for those around you and then EVERYONE SHOULD be happy. And when they aren't, maybe you aren't the one that needs to fix something.

How do we let go of this mentality?

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-need-for-approval-to-start-thriving/

How to Let Go of the Need for Approval

1. Build a sound sense of self-acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.

Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you’re most proud of about yourself: choices you’ve made, insights you’ve learned, things you like about yourself, times you’ve stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

2. Let go of seeking validation from others.

Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be.

This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you’re ok, that you made the right choice, or that you did the right thing.

Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.

3. Evaluate tasks based on approval-seeking efforts.

Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Then slowly work through the “people pleasing” list and eliminate them.

How has the need for approval impacted your life?

TODAY's CHALLENGE - Most of the time, it's about loving yourself, which so many of us have such a hard time doing. Accepting who you are and truly being unapologetic for just being you. We try so hard to fit a 'mold' that someone else made up. Love yourself. Be yourself. Be happy...Be.

People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most.
Wayne Dyer 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/approval.html#oQcdAqeziO7z1y0V.99

Do you even know you hurt me?....Step 2

We are on day 2 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

2. Anger/Resentment

Anger will eat at you from the inside. Learn how to make peace with those who have wronged you. This isn’t about letting the other person off the hook; it’s about alleviating the pain that resonates within you. Keep in mind that he who angers you, controls you.

I have a secret....When I was very young, at the tender age of 5, I had a life changing event.  We all have had these moments , events, circumstances, whether beyond our control or self inflicted, that then makes your life different...It's the point in the movie where the narrator states, 'and their lives were forever changed' ..I was forever changed beyond my control and still dealing with the residue from that event. It's one of those emotional situations that hides , not well, but enough to where you are functional, and then rears its' head when you are in some vulnerable space. This event resurfaced for me mentally when I was in my early 20's and triggered  yet another life changing event. This one self inflicted and to this day, a painful memory. You see, the first event produced anger. Anger towards someone else for something I had no control  over and anger I was unaware I harbored until, oddly enough, I noticed this person was on facebook and was living a normal life. The NERVE!  Wasn't this person sad about what happened?   Why are they even allowed to live a normal life? Ah, I guess life goes on ..wow.

My second event developed resentment and anger towards myself. This time the punishment has been placed on me and MY rights to happiness. This time, I don't deserve it, because I didn't make the 'right' decision. You see, I say ;'don't' because it's present tense. Because I still deal with the anxiety of denying myself a life because I ' don't'  deserve it. The good things I do are not enough and when something good happens I have to wake up and make something else good and even better happen. 

These events within my life were different but produced the same byproduct.  The funny thing is, I made myself miserable in both instances, with no pain transfer to the person I felt deserved to be miserable. It's funny how that works. We have these people that affect our lives in such a way, we expect some sort of vindication for our suffering, when most of the time, they don't know they did something wrong, they don't remember it happened. or worse yet, they DID know it was wrong, but you know what...Life goes on. Or maybe this person is still around or in your life. You are harboring emotions or ill will that will continue to be reflected in how you treat this person. Consciously or sub consciously, this person will not receive a true version of you until you let that animosity go.  And in that same regard, others may suffer the consequences or their wrong doing.

I found a really great analogy about holding on to anger.

"Holding onto anger toward another person is like holding a sharp object in the palm of your hand. The harder you squeeze, the more you suffer. If we cast blame, saying, "He makes me so angry" or "She is ruining my life," it's like blaming the sharp object for our pain – when we're the one doing the squeezing! When we let go of anger and resentment, it's like releasing our grip of the sharp object."

This is deep, but real. You are holding the hurt, when all you have to do is let it go. Sometimes, we get used to the pain. We sit in it enough to where it becomes more comfortable than the alternative. 

Next steps? A few tips to letting go.

http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Six-Steps-to-Letting-Go-of-Anger.html

Step One: Identify the loss

What is it that you are angry about? And how do you feel about it? Don't allow the 'it's going to be ok' and 'things will get better' statements to justify sweeping your feelings under the rug. Address the situation for what it is and really dig deep into why you feel the way you do.

Step Two: Allow yourself to grieve

 A person needs time to accept that the pain is real and to embrace the health that comes with allowing yourself to hurt for a while. The denial of refusing to grieve – "I am fine! I am strong! I'll get over it!" – is not an indicator of strength.

Step Three: Let compassion replace resentment

 "Hurt people hurt people."

Once a person has gone through the first two steps of letting go of anger, they are often ready to do the difficult but liberating work of shifting their perspective. This involves the recognition that people only act very badly when they feel very badly. If someone has hurt you, take a look at their history. No doubt they were deeply mistreated themselves, and the hurtful and infuriating behavior comes from a deep reservoir of personal pain.

When we focus on the bad behavior and what the person did to us, we naturally feel resentment. But by looking beyond the behavior to see the hurt emotionally-scarred person underneath, we can replace resentment with compassion.

Step Four: Forgive

As long as you remain bitter and unforgiving, you're still squeezing the sharp object in your hand, blaming the object for your pain, and forgetting that you are the one doing the squeezing.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning or justifying any misdeeds. It's not rejoining with the offender. It simply means giving up your desire for revenge and letting go of the expectation that s/he will make amends. It's untying the knots that keep you emotionally entwined and prevent you from healing. It's a conscious and deliberate decision, without which a person cannot fully heal.

Step Five: Look for the hidden gems

Everything happens for a reason. With each action comes a consequence. Because of the different events that occurred in your life, good or bad, you are where you are and who you are now. Sometimes it helps to examine those things you are angry with or situations you are angry about and provide a positive to the negative. 

I'm thankful (insert a challenge you are experiencing) because it means that (insert the hidden gem underneath the struggle).

Someone who went through a divorce provided....

"I'm thankful for the pain of my divorce... because it helped me understand what is important to me and what behavior I will not accept. It has brought me closer to becoming the person I know I need to be to have a healthy marriage based on mutual respect."

Step Six: Write a letter

The last step in working through anger is to put pen to paper (if that's possible anymore!) and write a letter to the person who hurt you. Most of the time it's better not to send this letter. People who are suffering from a low self-esteem (which most offenders are) are likely to receive these words in an inaccurate and distorted way.

But there's something about spelling out hurts and frustrations that allows you to release the anger. When a person clarifies their loss, and desires to forgive and move beyond the resentment, they often feel an automatic release of the anger that has left them debilitated for years.

I am writing this blog to relay a message. In writing, though, it also allows me to examine avenues of freedom for my own growth. 

TODAY'S CHALLENGE  

I felt it necessary to get this out prior to the holiday so that I could send it out twice. The challenge is one of communication. Some of us have a hurt within very close quarters. Family, close friends, etc. It's usually the people that are closest to you that hurt the most. During this time, when we are supposed to be around our families and friends, is usually where the anger surfaces and becomes evident. People do not want to be around people or speak or exchange gifts..whatever the case may be, because of past resentments and grudges. And what does that accomplish for you in the end? I know for everyone it's not an easy task. It's not an easy task for me. Take the time, if you feel you cannot speak to the person that has wronged you, take the time to at least release YOURSELF.  Life is short....

Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
Roberto Assagioli 

Be good to yourself...Nobody else will....Step 3

We are on day 3 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

3. Negative Body Image

There is only one person’s opinion you should be concerned with when it comes to your body and that is you. No one person determines what the “correct” body type is. If you are comfortable in your own skin, and you are healthy, then that should be the only thing that matters. Do not let others tell you that you’re not beautiful because if you believe you are, then you are.

This one hits close to home, on many levels. First off, it's what I do. Yeah, sure, I train people to be healthier and live longer, but my fitness competitors don't walk in 6 inch heels to add years to their lives.  I am in the business of carving out your body to look a certain way. For what? and for whom? In this case, for a panel of judges that aren't concerned with how you feel about yourself . Only how you look and who looks the best. 

These are questions I ask my clients prior to training. What is your motivation? You want to look like whom and why? We do this daily. Judge ourselves and against who's standard? Not usually our own. The magazines, the commercials, the movies, the videos, the professionals, the media...They all say we are supposed to look a certain way and we are striving to look a way that may not even be realistic for us to look like. Hell, for all intensive purposes, the image we see isn't even a real image! Try that one on..

The crazy thing about body image is it's not physical at all. We aren't talking about how you look. We are talking about how you FEEL you look. You can look amazing, and still FEEL ugly which translates into how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself and how you present yourself to others. We are coming back to how POWERFUL your mind is. How many really pretty people do you know that think they are ugly? How many skinny people do you know that think they are fat? ON the FLIP side of that, how many people whom you may think are unattractive, you can't TELL them they aren't something to look at. lol. Your perception is TRULY your reality.

There is this old SNL skit with a character named Stuart Smalley. It was a self help talk show where the host, who had self esteem issues, would reach out to others in an effort to help them feel better about themselves.  He would always end the show by saying, 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darnit, people like me". lol
Now whether this was true or not wasn't the point, because Stuart believed it was true, and at the end of the day, that's all that mattered.

That's what we need to understand. It's kind of like that saying, whatever you think you are, you will be. If you think you are, you will be. Most of the time, we are trying to convince ourselves, and other people see that. And when they do, they treat you accordingly.

I found this list I really like that has some great pointers by Linda DiBella

http://www.yourtango.com/2012151563/bad-body-image-15-ways-improve-your-self-esteem-expert

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.Everyone has something they wish they could change about their body. Wishing you had someone else's thighs or curly hair or smile takes away from what is uniquely you. Accentuating the qualities you like will boost your spirits and minimize the things you don't like. 

2. Focus on what you have the power to change. Rather than spending your energy on wishing you were taller, redirect your focus on something you can change, like toning up with a yoga or pilates class, or honing one of your talents. Then celebrate with a nice pair of heels! 

3. Dress as if you're where you want to be. Are you waiting to lose weight before you buy that new wardrobe? If you're wearing the same uninspiring clothes that make you feel drab, pick up a few smart wardrobe pieces, like a chic blazer, fashionable footwear, or some nice scarves or jewelry that will brighten your image and make you feel better about you now. The better you feel, the more likely you'll be motivated to keep making positive changes.

4. Surround yourself with beauty. Creating a beautiful environment at home or in your workspace will provide a greater sensual experience, which is what we all crave. Keep fresh flowers on your desk or table, add some silk pillows to your sofa, play your favorite music while cooking dinner, and drink mineral water out of a nice wine glass! 

5. Practice self-care. The more you love and take care of what you have now, the more likely you'll move in the direction of self-improvement. Schedule you-time to take a warm, soothing bath, massage your skin with olive oil, read an inspiring book, or write in your journal. 

6. Build a support system. Spend time with people who have a positive influence on you and that energize you rather than reinforce bad habits. Exercise together, swap healthy recipes, and champion one another when you're making progress. 

7. Lose yourself in a cause. Have you heard the saying, "what you focus on grows?" Apply this to agonizing over how you feel about your body. Instead, replace those thoughts by spending some time and energy on a cause you're passionate about. The rewards will put things into perspective, raise your spirits, and make you feel better about yourself.

8. Treat yourself as you do others. Would you ever dream of talking to someone that way you talk to yourself? If you're in the habit of bashing yourself for the way you look or how you take care of yourself, switch to being gentle and patient. Change takes time and the more compassion and self-acceptance you practice, the better you'll take care of yourself. 

9. Treat eating as something special. How we do anything is how we do everything. Practice mindful eating by having your meals in a quiet, non-stressful environment. Eat slowly and savor what you’re eating, and eat only until you're satisfied. When you listen carefully to your body's cues, you will help you develop respect for yourself and naturally reach your ideal body weight. 

10. Practice gratitude. The more you appreciate what you have, the more you will have to be thankful for and this includes good health. Keep a gratitude list and add to it when you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed at night. Acknowledge how grateful you are for another day and for all the positive things that happen, like the workout you fit in or the healthy food choices you made. This simple practice will allow you to start your day on a positive note, progress through it with a better mindset, and end it peacefully.

11. Work on your inner-self. We are spiritual beings living a human experience and we are here to learn and grow. When you listen to your inner guidance and live your life based on its wisdom, people will see the beauty and creativity of the real you that's inside the flesh and bones. Tap into yourself and learn to love who you truly are by practicing meditation daily. 

12. Read up. Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton and Molecules of Emotion by Candice Pert are two excellent books that can also help us understand the science underlying how we create our own realities. Our beliefs, attitudes and expectations — including our emotions, and judgments — continually shape who we are, including our bodies. 

13. Take charge. When you're glaring at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself "who's doing the talking here?" Is it your mind or your heart? Don't like what you see? Instead of beating it up, try listening to your body.

14. Get real. Be honest with yourself. Look at a picture of yourself from when you were a small child. You were and still are a precious, darling of the universe. You are a unique gem with immense value and worth. Start digging for it! 

15. Remember: what you resist persists. What you resist, you become. Fighting against yourself, loathing your body only stimulates more neuro-chemicals that keep you spinning your wheels. The exciting thing is: you can change. Change your mind, change your life. How? Make the decision to shift your thinking and your emotions will follow. 

If he only had a brain....Step 4

We are on day 4 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

4. Idea Of A Perfect Partner

There is no such thing as a perfect partner, so throw your checklist out the window. In life, what prevents us from moving forward is looking at the perfect image of a partner we concoct in our minds. Find the right person for you: one that you can love with all your heart, one you feel comfortable with and one that accepts you for the person you are. The sooner you realize there isn’t one perfect person out there for you, the better off you will be.

I love Bob Marley. He makes you scratch below the surface and really think about the real stuff. I saw two versions of this. One about the ladies, as it's quoted above and another about the gentlemen. The one I saw for the men had a phrase at the end that caught my eye, " Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don't exist, but there is always one guy that is perfect for you."  He had this great way of putting things into perspective. Someone that is perfect for you. The statement makes you take the expectation off your partner. This person that has to look a certain way. Make a certain type of money. Work a certain job.  You have all these different criteria they have to meet and never take the time to truly appreciate that person for who they really are.  We are quick to want to mold people we meet into something they aren't. Maybe someone to impress your friends? Maybe an ex? 

There were a few different lists of ways to 'find' the perfect mate. I didn't agree with too many of them although one list, I thought had an important point.

IDENTIFY your top THREE DEAL BREAKERS

Although I don't think you should go in with a laundry list of criteria, you have to have foundational characteristics or things you want from a relationship that you absolutely MUST have and you will not move on these items. Do you want to get married? Maybe you DON'T want to get married. Does the person have to be religious? Do you want children? Maybe you don't want to deal with someone with their own children.  Define those things, and keep to those when you are 'searching'.  If you don't know what you want, or don't want, you may get it. ;)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE if you didn't see it coming already, and you don't already have it, your list. What are your three deal breakers? You will be amazed at how differently you determine whether or not someone is the person for you, with this list. Share in the comments if you are inclined. Would love to hear what's on some of your list's out there!

If I only had .... then, life would be PERFECT....Really? Step 5.....

We are on day 5 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

5. Perfect Life

Just like there is no perfect partner, there is also not a perfect life. Life is what you put into it, so if you are not willing to work hard and put forth effort, you will most likely end up miserable. The choices you make will directly reflect the life you lead. It is up to you to create the best possible world for yourself.

I remember my wedding. I'm not married now, but I've been married before and I planned the entire function myself. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who coordinate these things for a living. It is INSANE. It has so many moving parts and detail. It involves not only dealing with many different people, businesses and places but notifications, deadlines,personalities, traditions, etc. A ton of work over sometimes years for , sometimes, no more than a 20 minute ceremony. The rest is just a party and who doesn't know how to do that. I  still laugh when I hear people say they want the perfect wedding. That my friend is a SETUP for failure. There is no such thing. Someone's kid will start to cry and not go down the aisle. Someone will show up late. Someone will forget to bring something. SOMEONE will do SOMETHING. There is just too much going on. Previously we had expressed how it's important not to place expectations on people.  This is the same thing, on a grander scale. Don't place your expectations on life. As the saying goes, it is, what it is.

When you really believe the above, you really do slow down and appreciate things for what they are.  You cannot change what has happened.  Once life has played out, you take it as it comes and roll with the punches.  Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes, those reasons are not the most evident or will never be made clear. Or, get this, may have nothing to do with you. Sometimes that something is not meant for us to figure out. So what am I saying? I am saying your life is what you put into it. It may not play out the way you want but if you live it to its' fullest, you have no regrets. Love alot, laugh alot, give alot, work hard, play hard, and believe that ever day is that perfect day, because it was as it should have been.

Don't place that expectation on yourself, on your surroundings, on your friends and don't let OTHERS place that expectation on you. You will begin to realize we all have this coded set of rules we live by. We acquired from OUR friends, our family, our environment, etc. A set of rules that everyone SURELY must also live by because we all grew up in the same house right? Wrong. Get it? Everyone's perfect is not the same. My perfect may be a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk on a balcony by the beach, which I LOVE all aspects of that statement, btw. LOL. Someone else may hate peanut butter. Someone else may not like sand. Someone else may be afraid of heights, but I shouldn't look at them differently because they feel that way, nor they to me. We go day to day living a life with different people and different lifestyles and backgrounds and expect things to all come together in this perfect ball for US? We aren't even the only ones HERE. Gives a whole nother meaning to thinking the world revolves around us.

I like this quote, but I am probably interpreting it differently than it was meant. My own interpretation of this is not for a particular person. I don't have to have a particular someone around for life to be perfect. I think that can be dangerous to be in that space. People will not always be around physically, mentally or emotionally for you. You cannot base your livelihood on others. BUT, I believe this says that you should appreciate those that are around when they are. Every moment you have with people you truly want to be around you should appreciate those moments. You are not promised those moments or moments after that. If you believe that those moments are perfect moments you won't spend them arguing about the little things. Being upset or mad about simple things. Life is too short. People die every day all over the world. You woke up this morning. I know this because you are reading my words. I guarantee you someone somewhere didn't. Can you imagine how that would be if you woke up, and realized someone you just saw yesterday didn't? Don't wake up wishing you had.....You can't go back.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE - This is a task that isn't really a to do or reflective. I am wishing you the best day ever. I want you to go out and look at the world through rose colored lenses. I want to walk out your door and smile at the first person you see. I want you to PURPOSELY have a GREAT DAY. WHY NOT? How many times have we walked out the door and thought, this is going to be a bad day, and IT WAS. YOU are a direct reflection of your thoughts and your mind can bring your thoughts to life. REMEMBER that. You walk your thoughts. When you are thinking while you walk you are distracted. When you reflect on good things you smile, without even thinking about it. When you breathe in life, you emulate joy. Be joyful...And see how many people want to be around you.

HAPPY PERFECT WEDNESDAY!!!

What is your motivation....Step 6

We are on day 6 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

6. You’re Going To Be Rich

Too many people live their lives with the thought that they will be millionaires. While this can be a realistic goal for some, it is not something that can be achieved without hard work and dedication. Stop letting money be your sole motivator; find a career you are passionate about and immerse yourself in it completely.

Not so sexy a topic, lol, but important and can be approached from several angles. Passion for your craft and your priorities.

 I thought this was an interesting chart.  FInding what you love, what your good at, AND what will get you paid is usually a challenge. You have the traditionally well paying occupations that you hear about as a child. The doctors, the lawyers, the educators or educated that pursue a particular craft in business, within corporate,etc. There are people that have a passion for these different jobs, but I would be willing to bet a majority of them do not go into it thinking they are just in LOVE with it.  I have yet to hear a child say they want to be a lawyer because they love to debate. lol.  The people who have to hustle to pursue a dream understand the power of passion and the driver behind it and that is the difference we are analyzing. If you are in it just for the money, you probably aren't very happy. Not REALLY happy. We live in a money driven society, so sure,having money definitely makes living day to day easier, but we are not foundationally built to thrive emotionally on the all mighty dollar.

When I think of someone that supports my next statement best, Steve Jobs is one of those people. Live out your passions, and it will take care of you. If you are truly living out your purpose and what you feel you were given a gift to do...if you are helping others....you will be rewarded for that, here, which I believe is the financial and in heaven.  I do believe in a balance of this power as well. As mentioned in a previous post, things won't just come to you. You have to go and get it. And managing these 'rewards' accordingly so that you are able to live is equally as important as generating them.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE - Pursue as if you have nothing to lose. We are speaking today about your job specifically but as you know, this applies to life. I'm not saying go out and quit your job. ;) If you hate what you do, really take the time to evaluate it and figure out what you like to do, and work towards it. I think sometimes, as people, we like to just sit and complain and be in a position of grief, and then not do anything about it. There's nothing worse than a complainer or a crybaby. Make a change...even if it's just taking a class or picking up a hobby.

Giving a future, your present...Step 7

We are on day 7 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

7. Thoughts Of Your Ex

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

We have all been here. We either have an ex that we cannot stop thinking about or keeping away from, or we have a current relationship, and the 'ex' is still around in some shape, form or fashion causing doubt or confusion. Directly or indirectly is irrelevant.  You have the choice to keep the person around and choosing to do so sends a message to all parties involved. The ex is given power. The current person loses power, and 9 times out of 10 you are unsure.

THE EX - We have been the ex. The person that doesn't want to be with someone, but maybe doesn't want anyone to be with their 'ex someone' either. We are funny like that. Maybe we just don't want our ex to find someone first so we keep them around like it's a race. Or we haven't found someone yet, so they are good company until we do.  Some people say, "well we are really just friends."  Maybe. But you know what the ex inevitably does?  They remind you of things that you used to do. Places you used to go. Especially if you start to see someone else. When there is static between you and that person, they always want to offer up their advise. Or the infamous, " Oh I would never do that." Or ,"  Really ? Do you remember.....?"  You may as well keep out a picture for good measure.

                                            

THE CURRENT SOMEONE - This person is the unknowing newcomer, and when there is an ex involved this places that person in a tough spot.  Are you the understanding , no low self esteem new significant other that can handle the ex being around as a friend? Or do you show 'crazy' right away and tell the new partner to ex the ex?  I have only come directly out of a relationship once where I was still friends with an ex and they started dating someone else. My ex at that time,and I had been together for 2 years, married for over 4 and then friends after we divorced another probably 2 years.   When he began seeing someone else, we were still communicating as friends. When they became a little more involved, she told him point blank she didn't want me around. Now, initially I was like, " What is this chick's hangup? We are just friends. " It took a conversation with my mother to get my head straight. She's like, really? If this were you, and your new boyfriend communicated with his ex, how would that make you feel? I still remember not being really cool with it even after speaking to my mother but out of respect for him and his relationship, we stopped communicating completely. COMPLETELY. No cards on holidays. No occasional hey how are you doing phone calls. We cut it cold turkey. Now, many years later, they are married with 2 sons. I'm not saying I could have prevented that from happening if I were around, but I am glad they were able to give it a chance because I wasn't.  I appreciate it now. I respected him for doing that for her, and I respected her for taking the stand to voice her insecurity as a real issue.

YOU - The final piece. You are the person that has found someone else, but still has your ex around. And around can be physically or someone you still think about. This can cause so many problems subconsciously and otherwise for you. You automatically compare any actions this person does to your ex and what they did. I have a friend who reintroduces herself when I compare her to others. It's funny, and valid. She is a different person from anyone I've known. If I keep comparing her to someone from my past, I am automatically categorizing her before giving her the opportunity to be herself and really getting to know her and appreciate who she is. If you haven't let your ex go, you may not ever give others the opportunity to be something more for you. They will continually have to prove themselves to be different than your past, and that is self destructive, for both you and the new person. This can also make them uncomfortable just being themselves.  And ex's who are waiting in the wings have the best seat in the house. It's like the younger sibling that watches all the older siblings mistakes. They just take notes, and get in when it's safe. And they would know when they opportunity arises. They aren't in the hot seat as they were when they were in the relationship. No expectations. And don't forget they can be that shoulder to cry on when things finally go awry. What a great friend!

When you hang on to things, emotions, people, situations, circumstances, how things used to be, etc, you don't allow new people in your circle. They are fighting your past and not even realizing it. 

Don't Just Talk about it, BE about it....Step 8.

We are on day 8 of our happiness series....  Things we need to let go of to be happy....

8. The Idea That Good Fortune Will Arrive At Your Doorstep

You need to go out into the world and actively look for fulfillment. You cannot take a backseat in life and expect things to happen for you. Appreciate the life you live, and be grateful for what you have. Value each minute of every day. Live like there’s no tomorrow, and make the most out of any situation.

Sometimes, I believe this comes from fear of not wanting to go out and be rejected. Sometimes, I think this comes from flat out not knowing what you want.  This applies to everything and anything.  It you aren't getting what you need from that job, what do you want exactly? Waiting on that 'soulmate'? What does that person have that you want or are looking for in a mate.  Do you know what that is? It's like going to the grocery store hungry, and without a list. You will just pick up everything, waste your money, and your time. Know what you want.

I remember a story I was told once in church about a man that was caught in a flood. Instead of leaving his home, he thought to himself, the Lord will take care of me and stayed in his home. The water started to rise, so the man moved to the top floors of his house and eventually his roof, as this was the only dry part of his house. A man in a boat rowed by to pick him up, and he stated , ' Go without me. The Lord will save me.' So, the boat left. As the water continued to rise, a helicopter flew over the roof. They lowered a ladder to the man, and again the man stated, 'Don't worry! The Lord will save me. I have prayed and am waiting on God.'  Well, eventually, the water covered the roof and the man drowned. He died and went to heaven and was standing at the gates waiting on his chance to speak with God, because CLEARLY, he had some questions. When he reached God, the first thing he asked was,' WHY did you let me die? I prayed and waited for You to save me and You let me drown.'  To which God replied, 'I sent a boat, AND a helicopter to save you. What were you waiting on? A personal invitation?'

Sometimes, we are expecting this royal treatment into things, like we are owed. Or we won't accept things unless they are given a certain way. You never know where something or someone can lead you. If you are presented something that is not exactly as you had hoped, make the most of it. You don't know where it can lead.  We cannot control circumstances, but we CAN control our reactions to them.

So many of us are waiting. Waiting on that perfect 'blank blank blank'. Job, spouse, school, team, situation, circumstance, .... In the meantime, we are turning away other opportunities or people, disregarding their value when you could be turning away what was meant for you all along. Or,we sit and complain about that situation, or person, or circumstance, and instead of making the most of it, making a change to make it better, or getting out of it,we sit around and wait for SOMETHING to make things better. Things don't just HAPPEN. Relationships require work. Work requires work. When you want something to work, you put in the work to make it work. 

Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.

Michael Jordan

It may not always come in a pretty box. It may take time. It may take blood and tears. It may take a day or years. Regardless of how it gets there, don't take your chances betting on it getting there by some magic notion. If you want it, go get it.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE:

Where do you start? Well, first off, you START. Here are a few steps I found on Brazen Life.

http://blog.brazencareerist.com/2013/07/05/4-steps-to-creating-the-life-you-want-and-deserve/

1. Stop wondering what you want and figure it out right now

You may not even know what you want out of your life. Think about it: When is the last time you sat down and did some heavy soul-searching to figure out what you want? Been awhile, eh?

That soul-searching is the one-way ticket to understanding what you want out of your life—so get to it, immediately. Understanding what you really want will help to make you happier and more fulfilled… and who wouldn’t want that?

Tip: Call up your best friend and ask them to help you articulate what you really want. Then write up your vision for an ideal life. Leave nothing out.

2. Create bold, out-of-your-comfort-zone goals

What’s the point of being on this journey if you’re not going to be bold?

Now, I’m not saying you have to do anything irresponsible or dangerous. I’m saying you should be daring. You should be ambitious. You should feel scared. Your goals should feel audacious, and you should know that you achieved more out of life. This starts with creating goals for yourself that may be out of your comfort zone.

Tip: Start small. If your goal is to be the President, you don’t throw yourself into a political campaign, do you? You outline how you’re going to get yourself to that level and take the steps necessary to get there. Same goes for your goal. Pick one thing you can do today and do it. Then choose the next one and keep going.

3. Muster up some confidence to drive you to take action

Confidence is a key element to flipping your system. You’ll find that when you muster the confidence to move ahead with your bold goals, you’ll let go of your fears and your vulnerabilities. Plus, when you start having more conviction in yourself, you’ll discover strategies to fill in any confidence gaps that have kept you in the passenger seat of your own life.

Tip: If you’re having confidence problems, find out why. Is it because your goals are bold and you’re scared? Is it because you don’t know where to start? Perhaps you just need someone to help push you in the right direction. Whatever the reason, raising your awareness is half the battle. Taking action to correct it is the other half.

4. Take charge and do the work

No one is going to do the work for you. Sad, but true.

When you’re making major life transformations, getting up and running is key. Any good design takes more than a couple practice rounds—and so does creating the big, exciting, amazing life you deserve. In the end, you are responsible for finding and creating your own happiness in this life. Don’t lose that momentum! Take charge, get out, be your own driver and move forth with the confidence of knowing you can be great.

Tip: If you get this far and drop down, you’re screwed. Find some tenacity! Don’t procrastinate, because if you do, you’re in the same position as you were when you started this journey. And, quite clearly, that’s not where you wanted to be.

You deserve an extraordinary life. I know that, you know that, the world knows that. You just have to take the right steps in order to get there. So keep the above in mind when you begin your journey. Figure out what you want, set specific goals, muster up some confidence and take charge of your life. You got this! Now get to work!